hello there

been a while again.
time goes too fast, damn it! lots has happened again, and i don't know where to start.
asperger's! my boy doesn't have it!...or at least they think he doesn't. actually, he adds up to some fairly high scores in some areas, but not so high in others. not enough to add to a collective diagnosis in the one area. basically, i still don't have my answer. there were some rumblings about his core strength...maybe he doesn't have enough, and that's why he tires easily. huh. boot camp it is! bikini season is comin' anyway, and i kinda liked it when i made my husband proud on the beach! won't be much of that goin' on though if i keep eatin' those chips! man! yep. i could lose 10 pounds. fer sher. but still...not bad for two babies and no working out, but i digress...

jack's academics are right near the top of the charts, especially his math reasoning. i already knew that, but it is nice to hear. the social aspects and the message response and retrieval are a bit wonky, though. i suppose i have to try a little harder to put him in social situations, but the truth is that i know exactly where he's coming from. i am perfectly fine not being around people most of the time. i'm hard pressed to find more than a few memories of myself feeling lonely. all i can hope is that he does find someone in life he feels comfortable with. truly comfortable. it's been a rarity in my life, but it happens.

lovers and the odd friend have had that effect on me from time to time. there are some stand outs that still get thought about. not in the sense that i'd need them, but in the sense that they all add up to what i found to marry. certain people had my favorite found qualities, but then attached was a deal breaker, or the attraction just simply didn't have a big enough effect on either of us. the shitty things aside, that's one thing i've definitely known was where i'm supposed to be. tharen's aloofness gets aggravating, but maybe that's the wonder of him that allows him to put up with me! ya think?

i have to make an appointment with a paediatric physiotherapist for jack, and one with his teacher once i receive the hard copy of his report and decide what to tell her. most importantly, i'll be letting her know that i was told that there's no hope for getting help in the clasroom for a kid like jack. so it'll be up to her to keep reminding him to work while there's other kids in the class that so obviously need her intervention. that bites, but otherwise, it would seem as if jack's not capable because he's not finishing the requested tasks all the time. so...what do i do? you can't have a kindergartener bringing homework to do...that seems a little ridiculous, but when next year comes around he'll suffer because he'll think things aren't really required of him. i've always said that i want to add to his curriculum regardless, which is why i had him signing and speaking spanish and french. those things kind of got left onthe back burner once his social quirks became more apparent. i'm going to have to try to clear the hurdle of accepting what IS.

we are our kids' advocates, don't ever forget that. you have to seek answers and then make the toughest decisions as you try to figure out which answer to listen to. just because a doctor says something, that doesn't mean that's THE answer. doctors have been wrong before, and they'll be wrong again. i've learned what my gut feels like, and it's telling me that there's more to discover. if i were to be satisfied with what i'm told, i'd let jack take the lead and then have him looked at for ADD or ADHD in a couple years. that sounds too easy to me. there's not a hope in hell that i'm going to medicate my child for that. he's a boy, for cryin' out loud! if there weren't so many lazy parents and women who don't feel 'fulfilled' out there, i think this world could've raised a generation that takes responsibility. a generation that has too much pride to be so classless. a generation that at least has the couth to keep their filthy fuck ups to themselves. a generation that knows that if you don't do what's required of you in a society, that society and life's pleasures will shun you.

now, we're stuck with an era filled with people who don't know what's right, even if they wanted to do right. people who think they need more than their core. i know that i could've done more with my life, but i often wonder....would i feel this way even if i had more ambition? but then that sounds wrong. i do have ambition....it's just not for a big bank account. it's that i want to raise fully functioning, contributing men. i had my choice. i wasn't forced to stay home, and have actually tried to be employed out of the house. i just don't like it, and neither does tharen. i genuinely enjoy taking care of my family and i want to be there when they come home. even when they're teens and don't want me around.....i'll take that. i'm still going to be here. THAT is my job.

now off to boot camp....