this rollercoaster is making me nauseous

okay it's gotta end now, right? a cycle has come to an end, i'm hoping.

good news about jack...he's feeling better! slowly but surely coming around and getting some sustenance in. his smiley face is there, and he was arguing and cracking jokes, so he'll be ok soon. he's not moving very far from a place to lay down, though.

bad news - this turn around was after i took him to the hospital last night for some industrial strength gravol. he had been puking all day from the time i first heard it at 6:30am when he got up to pee and puke at the same time. i finally made the decision to take him in around 6pm and got home around 1am, asleep around 3am. ( & awake at 6am with jared because tharen has to work as much as possible) more for the bad news file on jack: he has the WORST smelling gas EVER. seriously. i think something died in there.

good news about the truck! i took it in to the dealership because as it turns out, we are just under the wire for the warranty. now we have a new battery! but...

bad news about the truck! we took it in to the neighbourhood shop to get the rear brakes done today and the pads had been worn to less than 30%, so the calipers have to be replaced to the tune of $250. joy. that means that we have to spend around $150 every year just on redoing the rear pads so we don't have that problem again and wreck the rotors. caveat emptor, people...caveat fucking empTOR! what's 'fuck' in latin? anyone? ya know what? caveat VENditor, to the next money grubbing corporate ass jacker who tries to sell me a craftily designed cash sucking vehicle!

good news about the carpet! it's gone! yes!!! my house smells so good. (except for what's wafting from jack's butt) we totally scored with an excellent price on some leftover hardwood from my friend's house down the street, and our landlord is unbelievably paying for it! that is super cool because i was sure he'd say no. i had to phone him to tell him about having to take out the carpet and it didn't hurt to ask, did it?!? we just have to do the work, but it's going to be beautiful, thanks to some help from some good friends and harry! i can't wait 'til next weekend. the boys are going to my mom's so we'll be able to get it all done and hopefully get everything organized before sunday night.

bad news regarding the floors, though. if there has to be a bad side, it's that we can't afford to pay for it until the end of the month. let me explain: we pay up front and deduct from the rent. it's no problem, they say, but i would feel better paying right away- know what i mean?

bad news/good news: muriel is gone. she died yesterday morning just before 8am with her husband and some family near. even though this was anticipated, of course everyone is very sad. i want to be with my brother so bad, and you can hear it in his voice, too. now i can't even go meet him on the dyke because of the truck.

i have an assignment for you:

1.) go hug a loved one and tell them what they mean to you.
2.) forgive a grudge. ( a forgivable one)
3.) read this message i got in an email today.

life is too short.

**update: i know you can't see this...it was an html copy....i will transpose it tomorrow, as i have been out drowning my sorrows this evening and don't have it in me. it's worth it. so was my buddy's show that i went to tonight...all i gotta say is: SDT! (google 'em)

****update #2: transposition complete. it's late sunday night. i'm going to go lay in bed and wrap my head around this while i drift off...

when things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayo jar and the two glasses of wine...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonaisse jar and filles it will golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full - they agreed it was.

The prof then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in the jar, shaking it lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls. He asked the students again if the jar was full - they agreed it was.

The prof next picked up a box of sand and poured it in the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes'.

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

If you put the sand in the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, there's not anything left for what matters. Pay attention to the hings that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check ups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the hosue and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented. The prof smiled. "i'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always time for a couple glasses of wine with a friend."

~

bring on the laughs!

so, yeah. like i said:

whatever.

after yesterday's post, you'd have to figure it could only get better, right? well, for a short time it did....and then it went horribly, horribly wrong! bah! i suppose it could still get worse, so i'd better look for one o' them there blessings soon!

here's today's snapshot of fuckiness:
(brought to you by prozac ~ if anyone would need it, it's ME! SOON!)

1.) i think i bought a super seven six pack lottery ticket this morning at the exact moment that jack puked in the truck, so what does that mean? here's how THAT unfolded:

this morning the boys and i wake up around 6:30 and slowly but surely get out of bed after some cuddling and shushing of the little one. jack's awesome for snuggles, but jared? the crazy one rarely slows his frantic pace. he's a 'jump out of bed and GET 'EM' kinda dude, so i wonder how we're gonna get along! kidding....i'm sure that'll be history once the adolescent monster starts to rear it's sleepy head.

ANYWAY. we have breakfast, silly it up a bit, and then head out for school. jack tells me his stomache kinda hurts, so i tell him he can call me if he needs to. he doesn't. i pick him up after school, and he wants to play...he runs across the field with his friends to the swings, and takes his sweet time getting over to me when i call. i figure things are going good, so i can get started on my mile long list of errands to run and shit that needs to somehow get accomplished before obama's second term....so we plan for an oil change, a shoe shopping trip and then off to pick up daddy! he says he didn't eat his lunch because his tummy kinda still hurts, but that a bit of his water might make him feel better....and it does. for a moment.

i make a stop a my friendly neighbourhood corner store, say hi to simon, grab some vitamin P, smokes, chips, and remember at the last moment to grab a lottery ticket; 'cause you know, i sure FEEL lucky. i hop out of the store, admiring the beautiful day on my way to the truck, and i hear jared yelling something from the truck but i don't think much of it, because he's ALWAYS yelling something. as it turns out, what he was yelling was, "puke, mommy, puke! jack puke in TWUCK!"

i see jack sitting there with his eyes wide open, teeth clenched, and puke all down his lap, down the seat, and bits on the floor. LOVELY! did i mention that i was a voluptuous vomiting vixen this morning? well, this almost sends me over the edge again, and i say, "oh, my guy! okay, okay, i'll get you home right away!" so i whip over to the house, grab towels, and head back out to brave the front. i didn't know how to start! the whole logistical nightmare of puke removal can be a highly complicated endeavor! somehow, i got it done, stripped jack down, and got him in the tub while i finally went out and grabbed jared out of his car seat. poor little dude...i can't say i don't secretly wish he had fallen asleep while waiting, but no such luck. i had to keep them separated!

jack heads off to laze around in my bed, and jared gets busy climbing around the couch configuration we have going on right now, which i must admit rocks for fort assembly. a while later we had to go pick up tharen and jack puked again, but smartmommy brought the bowl! yay, me! he's still laying in bed as we speak. he slept for a bit, but still has no real interest in food or activity. it's been pretty easy keeping him in bed because we're cleaning the carpets, rugs, couch and pillows, so we're telling him everything is wet. he can't stand the noise, so he wants to stay away from it anyway. i'd let him go downstairs to lay on the bed in the playroom, but he'd feel too far away from me and he feels comfiest in my bed, anyway.

so, yeah.
whatever.

2.) my mom was actually going to take the boys this weekend, too! i was gonna get SO much done, and go see my new favorite band that i would TOTALLY love to tell you about....but if jack's still pukey tomorrow, there's no way i can take him out in the afternoon. we shall see...

3.) i found out today that our superwickedawesomecool lawn guy isn't doing residential contracts anymore! BOOOOO! we have to mow our own lawn and that bites 'cause it's HUGE and takes over an hour to do - sometimes TWO! we'd never find someone who would do that for 50 bucks, let alone 25!

BUT! but, but, but!
today's blessing is that he tells me he tore up my cheques from last year's bill he gave me last month, and we can TOTALLY use that money as you know, if you've been following along...

once again, i'm sure there's more, but i sha'nt be boring you with this wretchedness much longer. bear with me! lol!

ch~ill

there's no use crying over spilled milk, sweetheart

whatever.

okay. here's a snapshot of these days.

1.) tharen can't fix our brakes because after twice taking the wheel off, once to find out you need a special tool (which we bought), and then again only to find out that you need an air pressured tool as well! so now we have to pay the dude down the street 90 bucks to do it in his shop. tharen sure is happy that he arranged the time to do the brakes when it would've been more cost effective to just take it the fuck IN to the shop in the first place so he could WORK! whatever.
2.) when i went out to take jack to school this morning, i had to reach back in the house and grab my wallet. the door was in the process of closing, so i held my foot up to stop it and push it open again. my foot went through the cat door, and at first i though it was a little cute 'n' stuff, you know, early morning giggle material: "oh! *heehee* my foot went in through the cat door! *heehee*" but yeah. my foot literally went THROUGH the cat door. the stupid thing broke off, and now i have to go buy a new one. whatever.
3.) so, i'm a little pissed at this point, but goin' good at the same time because i'm gonna get jack to school early enough to hang with his friends before he goes in the class. yeah. NOPE! battery's dead. so i quickly call to see if the religious devil spawn down the street has left yet, and they had, BUT super evil spawner rushes right over with a jump start, and i get jack to school a few minutes late, meaning i have to take him inside to the office....which means i have to turn off the truck after running for only five minutes.

yes! all you in the know are right! NOT LONG ENOUGH TO CHARGE! i knew the fucking thing wouldn't start when i came back out! beepbeepboop-boopbeepboop-beepbeepbeepboop...hello, bcaa? SAVE ME! dude comes half an hour later, jumps me, gives the battery a successful (wtf) charge test, and i'm on my merry way, with no idea why my battery died in the first place. whatever.4.) i'm so merry because i'm on my way to pick up tharen's paycheque....this means a new cat door, brake service, umpteen bill payments, FOOD, and a carpet cleaning which i'll cover in my next point. paycheque...what paycheque? that's right! NOT THERE! so i phone tharen, tharen phones boss, boss says that pay day is really on the 16th, and he's just been getting them early. whatever.
5.) the carpet. yes. the stinky, smelly, stench filled, bacteria laden, lung congesting synthetic loop system of bovine juice rot infested carpet. sweet stuff! my house smelled like a thousand rotting asses yesterday. the other day i thought i smelled a little something 'off'. i searched high and low and finally came upon the smell on the couch. jared had been given a juice box thingy that squirts out a little every time it gets squished a little with MILK in it and allowed to go in the living room. i'm not gonna say who gave it to him, but he's tall, hairy, answers to 'dingbat', and i'm married to him. he totally knows better! FUCK! anyway, after berating his sorry brain power, i get out the steamer thing and get to de-lousing the couch. it works. but i can still smelllllllllll.....FUCK!

it's the carpet! and it's wet! and i'm gagging! holy christ i swear i almost passed out when i bent down to sniff it. so, upon discovery through investigation, there was some sort of dairy product spilled there while there was a babysitter here the day before. i wanted to go get her and drag her back to the house to give her a life lesson on what happens when you don't clean up milk properly, but i couldn't. i must deal. FUCK.

so i attack the carpet with my steam cleaner, but that just winds up sending steamy wafts of puke inducing stench up to me to infiltrate my clothes and hair! nixed that idea and covered it in pretty jasmine vanilla baby powder and rolled it up to get at the underlay. more baby powder and some propping up to air out....some bleach and a scrub brush for the wood underneath (which is just plywood, booooo), and it's good with all the doors and windows open, intermittent lysol sprays, and the boys hiding in my bedroom to alleviate the stench from getting stuck in their snot. jared's mostly happy 'cause we stopped asking if it was his butt that smelled!

i've laid the carpet back down, and while the reek has greatly improved, it's NOT gone. i have to douse it with some oxi clean and get the store rental carpet cleaner on it. the bonus here is that the carpets needing cleaning anyway, as well as countless rugs and the couch, most importantly. whatever.

6.) i'm sure there's more, but i'm gonna go chug the rest of my wine to see if it helps with my whine.

lights~out

it was a fishy date

...and i think i smell like shark bait!

i think they're 'off the hook', though - so to speak...*groan*...the sign reads, "blah, blah, blah, not responsible for wet clothes due to shark frenzy."


MAN! did it EVER reek like dinner back there!



warning: i'm very punny, you know.

i went on a date with all my guys tonight to the aquarium store, and it was deadly! heh, literally! jack and jared love it there, but tonight was the first time we got to see the shark feed! ooooo, it was neato mosquito!

first of all, what you see is tank after tank of gorgeousness! tonnes of live coral, weird shit, cool shit, pretty things, suckers, blowers and annihilators. at the very back of the store you'll find the massive 2500 gallon tank full of JAWS babies searchin' for the nearest free lunch or hand, you know...whichever. did it ever go fast! i wonder if they feed them other than the weekly show...something for all you p.e.t.a. folks to pet.

anyway, right after you get past the initial awe, you move on to the second stage, which is: hey! there's like, 5 sharks in here...and a giant eel, AND a great big other somethin' or other! do they have enough room? (answer: NO) . you then slip back into the experience with awe, only to be awakened so rudely when you get splashed with water over the edge of the enclosure from the brutal frenzy going on once the dead fish chunks are dropped in! i thought it seemed kinda gross, what with the smelly chunks and all, but i was hastily corrected by a stray ankle biting six year old that it was "cool", and his 5 year old yard ape little brother wanted to know if i knew that "water is good for me?". snotty little shits! kidding...they were cute 'n' stuff, too.

anyway, once they've all gotten a good chunk (the sharks), there's some peaceful roaming, the odd nudge, and then WHAP! the giant eel springs from his hiding place under the coral, stretches up straight to the water's break the split second he sees an opening and snags the last chunk...he then proceeds to wiggle back down into his makeshift dining room to (gag) do that thing i've seen snakes do when they eat (gag).um, snakes creep me out. eels in water - i can live with 'em, but snakes? things without legs SHOULD NOT move. i once saw my friend feed his giant snake a rabbit in one blocked off room of his house off the living room. i tried not to see it, but out of the corner of my eye, i saw the fucking thing LEAP through the air and snag the bunny. cute, right? (gag) then when i was leaving, i couldn't help but to look over and i saw it fucking gagging in reverse to get the furry fellow down. oh! did i forget to mention the crunch? (gag) but i digress...

here's some loveliness from my evening, enjoy:

see the starfish? it's there!

peek-a-boo, stingray dude!

the electric blue crayfish, elles & g's!









a piranha...scaaaaaary stuff! this one was freakin' out on my camera!

cooooooooooooool.

this one is so super cute it could also almost have
it's own super freakin' cute installment!
i'd leave you with it if...

...i didn't want to know WTF this thing is...anyone?

oh. & i found nemo.

*groan*
~

the "too freakin' cute" installment

all right.

i'm not really a girly girl, and i don't usually get fluttery over kitties & puppies. babies though? love 'em. all be it with reservation. i DON'T squeal, and they usually don't tick my biological tock, but i LOVE oogilee-googilee-ing them....and they love oogilee-googilee-ing me.

i saw this picture in the newspaper today and i tried to find an online copy to snatch with no luck, so i scanned it....i felt compelled to share, 'cause it's soooo cute.

(don't worry, the whole 'cute' thing doesn't happen often)
(unless it's from my kid....one day he stubbed his toe,

and when i asked him which one, he told me it was the roast beef one!)
(awww)

i'm done. here's the shot:


they're at a massage class in the netherlands with their mommies, and this is part of the cool down segment meant to simulate womb-like conditions. they call these the 'tummy tubs'.

now, is that cute, or what?

oogilee-googilee!

a poem, if you will...

bear with me, friends...this is the first poem with nature as a stimulus that i have ever written, with a glimpse of the scene that inspired it....


Today is the Day I Awoke



Mossy trees
with ancient grace
towering up above me.
Chirpy birds
are feeding babes
ducking through clouds, they flee.

Dewey grass
perking right up
again greeting spring, I see.
Cool filtered sun
shyly peeking,
I have a commodity.

Crazy boys
on the other hand,
trash my reverie.
Bounding down
the puddled road,
abandoned sense of carefree.

Life awaits -
way far away,
saddled with calamity.
I awake -
now spring is here.
To nature I pay MY fees.

~teague2009march


(c) cb'09

i shall return.

a beautiful weekend was had by all

yes, camping was such an awesome time. aside from a little wind and rain for a while on friday afternoon, it was well worth the effort. the boys were having so much fun, but were wanting to come home to play video games! ha! gotta put the brakes on that, i tell ya! tharen has discovered a new easy way to be lazy! he just half heartedly plays the games while snoozing, and the time just flies! silly gooseballs! but hey! who am i to talk? the only reason i can type this now is 'cause my little jared dude is watching 'super why' while jack's at school!

speaking of which, i have this valuable opportunity to be cleaning up all the camping wares and here i sit, smelling something funny. that is IF you think poopy diapers are funny.

i think it's a sign. i'm gonna go get rid of the rotten butt atrocity, tidy the troops' travesties, and totally take advantage of this crazy caffeine cascade of continual colossal coolness. uh, i mean i'm gonna go clean the house.

i'll tell you my story later tonight. stay tuned, sillies...there might even be pictures! (link is not my picture, but just a fine example of the area we camped in) i'll figure out to put pictures up here...it'll be a first for this newbie. i've noticed on my lovely janis' site that the pictures sure seem to perk it up a bit. or maybe it's her new layout, i dunno. pictures, though...my god, was it ever a much needed, gorgeous trip. next sunday is supposed to be nice, too....

waffles and eggs it is!

it's spring break!
oh, joy.
it doesn't really make for all that much difference around here, what with the two year old and all....and jack's only in kindergarten, so that's only half a day. BUT it is half a day that i don't HAVE to be sociable. half a day that i don't have to get dressed. half a day that i don't have to run around as soon as i get up in the morning, which i HATE. half a day when my boogies get to stay in their pj's as long as they want.
except for today, that is.
today, i had to deal with poop first thing, little guys up too early, and whining. wicked. it really doesn't help that i was up 'til 2am, either....maybe that's why they seemed to be awake too early! the clock said 7am, just like it does every day! then there's the beer...not much, but enough to make a difference. can't forget about the sore legs either, but we don't need to talk about that. let's just say that tharen and i stayed in this weekend and liked it.
after the whining and poop, i realized that i was out of cigarettes and pepsi (omg) so i had to go to the store, which i also love doing first thing in the morning. upon entering the vehicle, i noticed tharen's pay cheque sitting there. damn it! he was supposed to get that in first thing so we wouldn't miss our astronomical truck payment yet again! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! this meant i had to go to the bank (which wasn't open yet) ! there's a machine, so it wasn't really a big deal, until i got there and noticed some fukwad had mangled the machine trying to fraud the fraudsters. okay. so there's more banks, right? wrong. this particular bank was the only one i could hit the machine smellin' the way i did with my hair the way it was. the only bank where the boys could sit in the truck right beside the little vestibule. the only bank i where i get to blissfully go through life believing, if only for a few sweet seconds, that myself and the lovely machine were the only ones alive on this whacked rock.

SO! silly teague has to go home, brush her hair and teeth, change out of pj pants and throw a bear paw down the boys' throats, and go to the bank where i had to park, get the boys out, walk up around the corner, go INTO the bank, make small talk with the old dude trying to play with the boys, wait to use the machine after some dude who turns around to be a guy i've known since i was like, 14 or something. AWESOME. all before the blessed coffee that i have started to drink so i can make it through the mornings without regularly feeling like i could die at any given moment. andy said i looked good, but i refuse to believe him. i know for a fact that i looked like i weigh 170 lbs with my fleece pants and sweater under the coat gear to try and ward off the chill i had since ripping off the covers to get jared before he pulled down his poopy pants.

anyway, crisis diverted 'til next month. truck payment covered, insurances out the ying yang covered, late rent payment covered. i came home, made the transfers, made some waffles and eggs, and now it's play time before we head out to run more errands. shopping, tending to our friends' fish and frogs, parkification and a stroll. i'm gonna do some contemplating on how to earn some more money without taking away time from my family. that always will be the most important thing to me. family. not how much money my family has, or how big my family's house is, but FAMILY. doing my job, in other words. i will gladly take this little struggle if it means that i've been here when it matters and my kids aren't being raised by strangers. i think i might've pointed out before that i think that's what the problem with the world today is. kids raised by strangers and/or having too much time alone - i WON'T contribute to that.

i think i might get into some advertising on here if it could prove to pan out. that would mean any of you fabulous peeps out there reading this will have to click on to follow me. see, advertisers don't like advertising where people don't go. huh. go figure. no worries. i wouldn't have anything annoying, no pop ups, and no screen stealers. lemme know what you think, fill me in if you have any advice or tips, and KEEP READING!

oh yeah! i DID start reading 'this perfect day' again. almost done, and am in love with it all over again.

hello there

been a while again.
time goes too fast, damn it! lots has happened again, and i don't know where to start.
asperger's! my boy doesn't have it!...or at least they think he doesn't. actually, he adds up to some fairly high scores in some areas, but not so high in others. not enough to add to a collective diagnosis in the one area. basically, i still don't have my answer. there were some rumblings about his core strength...maybe he doesn't have enough, and that's why he tires easily. huh. boot camp it is! bikini season is comin' anyway, and i kinda liked it when i made my husband proud on the beach! won't be much of that goin' on though if i keep eatin' those chips! man! yep. i could lose 10 pounds. fer sher. but still...not bad for two babies and no working out, but i digress...

jack's academics are right near the top of the charts, especially his math reasoning. i already knew that, but it is nice to hear. the social aspects and the message response and retrieval are a bit wonky, though. i suppose i have to try a little harder to put him in social situations, but the truth is that i know exactly where he's coming from. i am perfectly fine not being around people most of the time. i'm hard pressed to find more than a few memories of myself feeling lonely. all i can hope is that he does find someone in life he feels comfortable with. truly comfortable. it's been a rarity in my life, but it happens.

lovers and the odd friend have had that effect on me from time to time. there are some stand outs that still get thought about. not in the sense that i'd need them, but in the sense that they all add up to what i found to marry. certain people had my favorite found qualities, but then attached was a deal breaker, or the attraction just simply didn't have a big enough effect on either of us. the shitty things aside, that's one thing i've definitely known was where i'm supposed to be. tharen's aloofness gets aggravating, but maybe that's the wonder of him that allows him to put up with me! ya think?

i have to make an appointment with a paediatric physiotherapist for jack, and one with his teacher once i receive the hard copy of his report and decide what to tell her. most importantly, i'll be letting her know that i was told that there's no hope for getting help in the clasroom for a kid like jack. so it'll be up to her to keep reminding him to work while there's other kids in the class that so obviously need her intervention. that bites, but otherwise, it would seem as if jack's not capable because he's not finishing the requested tasks all the time. so...what do i do? you can't have a kindergartener bringing homework to do...that seems a little ridiculous, but when next year comes around he'll suffer because he'll think things aren't really required of him. i've always said that i want to add to his curriculum regardless, which is why i had him signing and speaking spanish and french. those things kind of got left onthe back burner once his social quirks became more apparent. i'm going to have to try to clear the hurdle of accepting what IS.

we are our kids' advocates, don't ever forget that. you have to seek answers and then make the toughest decisions as you try to figure out which answer to listen to. just because a doctor says something, that doesn't mean that's THE answer. doctors have been wrong before, and they'll be wrong again. i've learned what my gut feels like, and it's telling me that there's more to discover. if i were to be satisfied with what i'm told, i'd let jack take the lead and then have him looked at for ADD or ADHD in a couple years. that sounds too easy to me. there's not a hope in hell that i'm going to medicate my child for that. he's a boy, for cryin' out loud! if there weren't so many lazy parents and women who don't feel 'fulfilled' out there, i think this world could've raised a generation that takes responsibility. a generation that has too much pride to be so classless. a generation that at least has the couth to keep their filthy fuck ups to themselves. a generation that knows that if you don't do what's required of you in a society, that society and life's pleasures will shun you.

now, we're stuck with an era filled with people who don't know what's right, even if they wanted to do right. people who think they need more than their core. i know that i could've done more with my life, but i often wonder....would i feel this way even if i had more ambition? but then that sounds wrong. i do have ambition....it's just not for a big bank account. it's that i want to raise fully functioning, contributing men. i had my choice. i wasn't forced to stay home, and have actually tried to be employed out of the house. i just don't like it, and neither does tharen. i genuinely enjoy taking care of my family and i want to be there when they come home. even when they're teens and don't want me around.....i'll take that. i'm still going to be here. THAT is my job.

now off to boot camp....

cancer update

well, i just talked to my brother for the first time since sunday and have an update on the whole cancer shituation [sic].

just in case you're interested, milly's mom (let's name her muriel, and here's why:)

Muriel

Angel of Emotions

encourages the awareness of emotions

(maybe i will be blessed with the understanding of how i feel about all this, and/or give all them the strength to know how to get through this)

.....muriel has been at one of her 4 kid's place for a few days now. there are 3 boys, and then milly's the youngest at 39. there are bunches of grandkids and step families around them.

it was radiation they last zapped her main tumor with, and it seems to have taken a nip, so they're gonna take her back into the hospital on friday to rev her up for chemo and administer her weekly body scan.

one week after this coming saturday, she will receive another scan. if those results show the chemo not having an effect, treatment will be stopped with no plan for heart surgery on the leaky valve caused by the tumor.

what a grand valentine's that will be.

~over and out~

purely a distraction...

hullo.
yay! jack is feeling better today! i was so happy to wake up from a pretty ok sleep to hear him happy. he's been up and about and giggly and silly and most importantly - NOT PUKING! i won't count my pukey chickens, though...there are still puke bowls placed conveniently about the premises. he had a piece of toast and some ginger ale for breakfast, and it all seems ok so far *touching wood*.

jared has an attitude today though, holy crap! maybe he's getting the evil sickness...and i don't feel too shit hot, either. but hey. i'm a machine, right? ...right? i'm pretty sure i'll be putting him down for a nap fairly shortly to let his little body do whatever it needs to do. besides, tharen will be home in the evening, and he is SO totally the one who's gonna have to worry about bedtimes tonight. that is - IF i even let him in the house. jesus, you have no idea whatta jackass loser he can be. hence, the distraction.

i figured i'd tell you about what else is going on in my life. it's what lucy was referring to when she made her first call in forever a couple weeks ago.

my brother's mother-in-law has cancer. the kick-you-in-the-face-and-cackle-while-you-die kind. she got diagnosed about a year ago with hodgekins or non-hodgekins....i'm not positive. whatever's worse, i guess. regardless, something's ravaging her body with a fierce intensity. she's probably not gonna win this battle no matter how much of a tough bitch she is. that may sound a little harsh, but her and i have quite a history. i'm having a hard time deciding how i feel about it. i mostly feel bad for my brother and his family. no matter how i feel about her, she's still part of their family and it must suck to see anyone suffer the way she is. i won't go into detail here, but trust me - it's NOT pretty.

milly's mom had a couple rounds of chemo over the summer and fall, but then caught pneumonia. she checked herself out of the hospital to come down to be with family for xmas and basically stayed in bed the whole time. then, after she got home, i guess they had to call 911 because she couldn't breathe. she was taken into the hospital, then med-evac'd to a hospital near here where they do her kind of cancer treatment. they did a body scan to find that not only had the cancer come back big time, but she also has a leaky valve in her heart. this means they wouldn't do another round of chemo until she has surgery on her heart, which she couldn't do because of the pneumonia. isn't that just the sourest pickle you ever plucked?


weekly body scans had become par for the course, and the next one she had showed the cancer is more aggressive than they thought. milly's mom decided to go for the chemo after being given two months to live. she then decided that if the weekly body scan showed no improvement that she wanted to stop treatment. i'm pretty sure she's since recanted that desire, but milly is still out at the hospital every day to visit her because she took a leave of absence from her job.

the money situation for them is screwy. milly's money won't start coming back in for another couple weeks, and my brother harry had to go back to work early. see, he was on e.i. for a perpetual bad back, but only recives 45% of his wage. with milly's cashflow m.i.a., he had to make sure nothing suffers, especially considering no one really knows how long this is going to last.....or what milly's gonna be like when her mom finally kicks it. they have two kids, 12 & 16, that need to be cared for and attended to, and harry doesn't get home until 6 or 7 every night. and even then, he climbs right into his 6 pack and a doobie while tending to the horses, chickens and dogs.

i tried to go out and give a hand and brought them a bunch of groceries, but that was short lived. see milly's family is crazy, and NOT in a fun way. there are so many stories i could tell, but honestly, i want to do my best to forget them. milly's been in our lives for 22 years now, so there's probably bullshit over flowing that pandora's box. there's just one unforgivable thing in particular her mom did that completely scars my view of people (mostly her). that's what's making it so hard for me to care about her. the karma kops'll get ya! milly's aunt is staying at their house, and harry thought it would be best if i stayed away for the time being. see, the falling out milly's mom and i had was a catalyst for that whole family's fuck ups to come boiling to the surface and they all had discord up until the cancer thing came about. i say if you don't wanna be classed as a classless fool, then have some fucking class. but anyway, that doesn't take away from the fact that i'm hurting for harry, milly, my niece and nephew. i may not be able to go there while milly and her aunt are there, but my first reaction was this:

*** (c) ***

heartstrings

i'm afraid to make the phone ring
for fear it will stop your heart
my parallel reality vicarious here -
tries to imagine, but withdraws with a start

never any past shall cross my soul in this
any request i will own
half my heart breathes in your house -
i shall due care as it is my own

with one step back i observe the race
and pray with a heart on loan -
for when the chips lay down &
you're on broken ground
that you'll know where your heart is going

(c) teague.
~cb'09~
(for milly)
***

so that's what's going on in other areas of my life, and why i have the pic i do for my profile. my heartstrings are stretched.

a friend like hades on the day from hell

holy christ.
fairly succinct? definitely, yes. let me explain:

jesus. i'm writing this in shots in between the toilet festivals that have been going on today. jack is sick. as in- very. i got a call from his school's secretary this morning saying that i should "immediately pick up my son - he is vomiting." ...and by that, she meant he had vomited in the classroom, down the hall, and on the bathroom floor. i get there, and the covering custodian (who is 5 months pregnant, by the by) is cleaning up the loveliness. man oh, man. that's always a joy, hey?

so i bring my pukey boy home with the two year old in tow and he proceeds to climb right up into his bed. i could barely get him changed because he was so sleepy, and then maybe half an hour later he ralphs all over his bed! so, i had to get that all cleaned up. hah! MORE laundry! i tried to get jared to lay down for a nap, but he wasn't havin' ANY of that. instead, he decided to fall asleep behind my back at around 4pm while i was cleaning a puke bowl for the 8th time! now he's gonna be up until 11! i let him sleep because, well, i needed a freakin' break! i really am trying to keep them separate, because i want to avoid having two retchers if at all possible.

have i mentioned that tharon is gone for work for two days? yeah. the loveliness spews, pours, gushes and glows over here! you're jealous, i know. it's ok. i called him this morning, but he didn't get the message until after 3 this afternoon. he actually didn't even listen to his message. he just called me unknowing about his boy - not that he could do anything, i guess, but still...i know i wouldn't like it if i was informed of a day long pukorama after the fact!

and here's another shovel full: tharon and i got to talk for maybe five minutes, and then the POWER went out for almost two hours! i had no landline 'cause it's digital, thought i should save my cell battery just in case, and was starting to light candles to assess the dinner situation when it finally came back on. wow. that would've sucked huge - to go all night? brutal. i'm not sure what the problem was, but i contemplated heading to my mother's. i must've been a bit worried for that to happen! i actually haven't been able to get ahold of her all afternoon, and i'm not really sure what to do.

i was thinking i should take jack to the hospital, and i still might. he has no fever but is breathing fast, which would indicate an infection as opposed to a virus. if it starts coming out his butt, i'm outta here to get it tested. there was a time that we had jack in the hospital for an h.compilobacteria-somethin' infection in his tummy, and that sorta thing causes the ultimate loveliness of death, so i'm not taking any chances. the whole waiting room thing doesn't affect us yet, 'cause they take little kids in right away....especially if there are stomach contents involved.
i really wish tharen were here, instead of "worrying" his time away in the motel pub while watching the game! at least he'll get a good night's sleep tonight and can take over tomorrow! the job they're at is a union site, so they get kicked off the site by 3pm, which means he should be home around 7.....here's hopin'!

but at least i have good friends....yeah right! i got a call from one in particular, and i tell ya....if i could have reached through the phone to strangle her, i would've. my word, she irritates me! concurring with one of janis' recent blogs, weak women repulse me, and she be one of 'em. not janis, the other one....let's call her lucy. see, lucy's loose. she never used to be, but has since gone pathetic slutzo after splitting with her baby daddy of 13 years.

i've known her for almost 20 years. met in high school, and i was her 'cool' friend. well, that's what she says, but i think she was right. especially if compared to her. nasty, i know. sad, but true. she's (was) an awesome person, but i didn't really hang out with her all that much. i suppose our friendship budded in foods class after regina quit school. after all, i needed another smoking partner! lucy's the one who told everyone my metallica story, and still does! she's crazy.

wanna know what else makes her crazy? blowing off her nearest, dearest, oldest friends so she can beg attention from a fucking cokehead. that's right, cokehead. powder king, snort face, jack crack, rock jock - as in: cuckoo for the coca. we lost touch here and there, but always wound up talking again. the longest stretch of not being in touch over two years was because she had to follow her baby daddy on a run from some house owners who suddenly had their prized uh...tomatoes go missing. can you fucking believe it?

so anyway, the move north wreaks havoc on their relationship, and soon enough, all the stories come pouring out....he spends all their money on coke! they didn't even have a rent where they were living, but they regularly went without things while living in a house that wasn't suitable for the rats. she high tails it outta there on the presumption that she's coming to take care of her ailing grandparents, but who the fuck leaves their kids to care for family members that already have tons of family around? yeah, come visit....but she was here for 2 months!...and then came back again! see, while she was gone the first time, he had gotten comfy with some broad. and if you can believe it, she justified to me how this man stealing hussy could go in and sit with her kids...cuddling for movies, planning for birthdays....FUCKING HER MAN!?! i seriously started losing respect for her back then....she wasn't the kind of person i thought she was. i thought she had standards and morals. i thought that's why i liked her.

she decides she's leaving for good and moving back to this area, but can't go back to her previous town 'cause of the, you know, tom-rip. so she's out in a way further suburb and i haven't seen her except for when i go out there. one of the few times she did come here, she brought one of her coke heads with her and he fucking left some in the tent of ours they slept in! FUCK ME! that shit does NOT happen here. marijuana? yes. synthetic powdered pathetic? no. so, i would've reclaimed my adoration for her had she been a true strong woman and told him to eat it...but no. she kept doing him. i found out that all the time i never saw her 'cause of this guy she was just 15 minutes away trying to be cute enough to entice him out of his four walls to no avail. apparently this dude never wanted to do anything. he would do blow while sitting home alone with her, and she insists she doesn't do it. i'm not sure if i believe her. she'll do anything to be liked, apparently. she even asked me about ass sex cuz she thought it would keep dude happy enough to not do rails. fucking moron. you're only supposed to do that if he's EARNED the treat!

seriously, though. she's now (AND STILL!) trying to fuck some dude who she tried for months to be in a relationship with. granted, they did have a casual screwing affair, but she lives her life around it. she is not aware of the actual ground rules of a 'no strings' 'casual other', so she unknowingly broke every single one of them. THIS guy got caught red dicked screwing some other chick. lucy throws a fit, but is STILL trying to get this guy. and the ultra pathetic thing? he won't cheat on the twat he's with now, which is the one he 'cheated' with. she's insisting that it can be secret. and he won't do it. huh. i don't wanna be mean, here, but clue the fuck in!

i've been avoiding talking to her for a few weeks now. she's been calling me to make herself feel better about a situation that's going on in my life right now.maybe i'll write about that tomorrow. but anyway, while i'm on the phone with her, she's passive-aggrasively trying to make ME feel bad that i haven't responded to her. FUCK ME! she said in a message a couple weeks ago: "dude, i'm so sorry.....i had no idea.....whatever you need, i'm there for ya...." my non-verbal response to her was: "dude, you had no idea 'cause YOU'RE NEVER AROUND!" anyways, she still tried her shit even after i told her about the day i'm having! fucking retard. so i got off the phone fairly fast. it was the one time today that i was glad to hear damon yelling out for help. after hearing that she's still trying with that guy pretty much turned me off. at first i thought i might like to talk to her finally, but no. after the pathetic info and the guilt trip, i would've MUCH rather cleaned another puke bowl.

jack's finally sleeping now....it's after 11pm. he layed on the living room floor literally ALL day. and the puking! at least a dozen times. my poor, sweet guy. every time i lay with him, i imagine pulling all the germies into my body. i can deal. i'm a machine.

o - and tharen and i had an argument 'cause he's a drunk fuck. i'll tell you about that later, or else it would be it would be a giant blob of black tar hate right now. trust me.

sweet, sweet quiet...i love you

it's quiet in here again. jared is napping and jack is over at his friend's house. we were invited too, but i knew i wanted this free time. i really, really, really enjoy my alone time. i used to crank tunes, but now i like it quiet at least for a while, even when the baby isn't here sleeping. if you don't have little boys, you have no idea how constant the frenzied play is or loud it gets. got girlie spawn? squeals aside, you've got it pretty easy until your little miss attitude pants turns into a raging banshee at the tender age of 11. one minute you'll want to cradle her as you snuggle in bed for one of the last few times followed shortly by wanting to brick up the window leaving only 6" holes for fresh air and the doorway to her room with easy food tray access. ensure that phone and computer possession are hers, and she might not even notice. gimme a minute and i'll figure out the bathroom situation....

anyhoo...boys! yeah. they're awesome and i'm glad i have them rather than the all to common hormone bucket syndrome suffered by the female of the species. i'm just not really sure how long this whole autopilot thing is gonna work! lol! at this time i choose not to delve into why i'm positive i got that opinion because of how things were with my own mom. i just don't wanna repeat that, is what i'm sayin'. my own monthly withdraw/attack ebb and flow coupled with my mother's menopausal mania was a treat to endure, holy christ.

*(*this pause was brought to you by a.o.a.d.d*)*
***(*adult onset attention deficit disorder*)***

so. iconoclast, hey? yes, that's a word i like alot. it's kinda how i am most of the time. loosely translated, it means i hate stupid shit and i have an articulate side. it means have a sense of my own ideals and don't parrot popular notions. i live up to what i believe in, as should everyone. if i think something is fundamentally wrong, i've been known to do something about it. through the process of life i've learned that maybe sometimes i could've spoken louder, and sometimes not at all. i've had times where i got too emotionally involved in things that really aren't affecting me and it wound up hurting me instead of solving anything. at one point i thought i should just not care about people anymore. if i wasn't involved with anyone, then i wouldn't know how stupidly their actions were affecting their lives.

Iconoclast

I*con"o*clast\, n. [Gr. e'ikw`n image + ? to break: cf. F. iconoclaste.]1. A breaker or destroyer of images or idols; a determined enemy of idol worship. 2. One who exposes or destroys impositions or shams; one who attacks cherished beliefs; a radical.

Synonyms: critic, dissident, image-breaker, non-conformist, questioner, rebel, revolutionist, sceptic

not long into that, i figured out it was wrong thinking. aside from being human and hard wired for interaction, i have kids who need good people around them. people who make good choices most of the time, and have morals as strong as mine. not identical to mine, but as strong. that's important to me. i just remove characters as i see fit and keep living for the three most important men on the planet. but i'm still an iconoclast in every way i take it to mean. there are also definitions of destroying one's religious symbols. it's not like i would vandalize humanity, burn a cross, or some other cretin-like activity, but i'm also not gonna get into any well deserved debate about a book written by a bunch of guys [read: the bible] unless it's before discussing evolution while we picnic beside a documented 10,000 year old bog that's not too far from my house. believe in what you want, just don't tempt me with ugly. i don't like it and i won't have it.

i wrote some prose once about religion. it starts out...'i don't believe there's not a god', includes the phrases, 'if there IS a god i don't wanna piss him off', and 'the human religion', and ends with, 'i am my own church. welcome to my temple.' somebody once told me that was egotistical, and i couldn't agree more. yeah, i have an ego, why don't you? there's nothing wrong with liking yourself. more people should, and maybe there would be less misplaced pride spinning this carnival ride of a planet.

i've got to get my poop in group now. some quick housework, then off to get jack and the babysitters to bring home. i'll have more time this afternoon to get things done in the basement. i need to get that project overwith before i have an aneurysm, and it's comin'...i can feel it!

bathroom solution:
move her room to one beside a bathroom wall, take said wall down, and complete brick laying procedure. trust me, it'll be easier that way.