Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts

Saturday, April 18, 2009

this rollercoaster is making me nauseous

okay it's gotta end now, right? a cycle has come to an end, i'm hoping.

good news about jack...he's feeling better! slowly but surely coming around and getting some sustenance in. his smiley face is there, and he was arguing and cracking jokes, so he'll be ok soon. he's not moving very far from a place to lay down, though.

bad news - this turn around was after i took him to the hospital last night for some industrial strength gravol. he had been puking all day from the time i first heard it at 6:30am when he got up to pee and puke at the same time. i finally made the decision to take him in around 6pm and got home around 1am, asleep around 3am. ( & awake at 6am with jared because tharen has to work as much as possible) more for the bad news file on jack: he has the WORST smelling gas EVER. seriously. i think something died in there.

good news about the truck! i took it in to the dealership because as it turns out, we are just under the wire for the warranty. now we have a new battery! but...

bad news about the truck! we took it in to the neighbourhood shop to get the rear brakes done today and the pads had been worn to less than 30%, so the calipers have to be replaced to the tune of $250. joy. that means that we have to spend around $150 every year just on redoing the rear pads so we don't have that problem again and wreck the rotors. caveat emptor, people...caveat fucking empTOR! what's 'fuck' in latin? anyone? ya know what? caveat VENditor, to the next money grubbing corporate ass jacker who tries to sell me a craftily designed cash sucking vehicle!

good news about the carpet! it's gone! yes!!! my house smells so good. (except for what's wafting from jack's butt) we totally scored with an excellent price on some leftover hardwood from my friend's house down the street, and our landlord is unbelievably paying for it! that is super cool because i was sure he'd say no. i had to phone him to tell him about having to take out the carpet and it didn't hurt to ask, did it?!? we just have to do the work, but it's going to be beautiful, thanks to some help from some good friends and harry! i can't wait 'til next weekend. the boys are going to my mom's so we'll be able to get it all done and hopefully get everything organized before sunday night.

bad news regarding the floors, though. if there has to be a bad side, it's that we can't afford to pay for it until the end of the month. let me explain: we pay up front and deduct from the rent. it's no problem, they say, but i would feel better paying right away- know what i mean?

bad news/good news: muriel is gone. she died yesterday morning just before 8am with her husband and some family near. even though this was anticipated, of course everyone is very sad. i want to be with my brother so bad, and you can hear it in his voice, too. now i can't even go meet him on the dyke because of the truck.

i have an assignment for you:

1.) go hug a loved one and tell them what they mean to you.
2.) forgive a grudge. ( a forgivable one)
3.) read this message i got in an email today.

life is too short.

**update: i know you can't see this...it was an html copy....i will transpose it tomorrow, as i have been out drowning my sorrows this evening and don't have it in me. it's worth it. so was my buddy's show that i went to tonight...all i gotta say is: SDT! (google 'em)

****update #2: transposition complete. it's late sunday night. i'm going to go lay in bed and wrap my head around this while i drift off...

when things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayo jar and the two glasses of wine...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonaisse jar and filles it will golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full - they agreed it was.

The prof then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in the jar, shaking it lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls. He asked the students again if the jar was full - they agreed it was.

The prof next picked up a box of sand and poured it in the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes'.

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

If you put the sand in the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, there's not anything left for what matters. Pay attention to the hings that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check ups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the hosue and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented. The prof smiled. "i'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always time for a couple glasses of wine with a friend."
~

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

radiated lollipop, anyone?

cancer fucking sucks the big one!
i'm having a hard time with things today (actually the last few days). i'm stretched beyond far with my thoughts for my brother and his family. millie's mom has been moved to a palliative care facility for the last of her time in her body on earth. she's no longer receiving any treatment, and is just wanting help in dealing with all her final issues, including pain. i feel sad and disconnected at the same time. shock would be a word i could use for how i felt after talking to my brother the other day when he called with the news. at the end of our conversation, when we usually exchange some sort of abusive banter - mostly him telling me specifically how to flip the bird to tharen - he instead said he wanted a hug. that is such a foreign thing - for the phone, anyway. mostly sounds sweet, i know, but that's not usually how it is with us. we love each other and everything, but we often find our joy in abusing each other good heartedly! it pains my heart to think of my brother feeling vulnerable, and i know he's just drowning his sorrows so that he doesn't have to feel much. he's already an alcoholic, so who knows how this will all play out for him. worse? better? all i know is that he's in pain watching his wife and her family suffering through muriel's pain, confusion and helplessness. i can't even imagine.

muriel and her husband had some grand plans for her last few months....they knew she's dying, but assumed they'd have a bit more time. even though she was advised against travel, they decided they were going to try vegas for a last hurrah. turns out that won't be happening - she's just too sick. she's already been without treatment for about a month now because she wants to at least be able to enjoy some of her time. chemo made her so sick, it was horrible. that means that the cancer will be allowed to take over, but at least they'll be able to manage her pain. she wasn't guaranteed any more time, regardless of the radiation or chemo.

they had it well thought out. first, they went to a local casino for the weekend, then they were planning a short flight to see how she handles the altitude, to culminate with a trip to nevada, but no more. she must remain in canada, i suppose to help with issues that could arise if she died on american soil. poor woman. i am at such a loss. i don't know what to say. i'm going out to tend to my brother's tendings, as millie is at her mom's side and the kids need some attention. harry is staying out of the house as much as possible now that he's back working most days, but life is going on, as it always will. it's the way of this world and the path all of our souls will eventually take one day.
~
p.s.
my wish for the 11th of 11 consecutive posts @ 11:11
is for this little slice of hell to be over with.

come ON, spirit guide! too much time is wasting away.
you and lady nature get figurin' & work it out, already!
~

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

dfkhns

feeling a little mixed up today.
i question certain friendshipS. yes, more than one.
sure do wish i could be nicer, so i could keep people like that hanging around to fuck me over even more! that would be awesome!
ooo, and people involving me in their shit...that's my favorite!
have you met me? rest assured that i will pull some iconoclastic heroism on what i believe about what you believe...don't like it....or me?
sometimes i have a big mouth, so fuck off.
fuck it.
i'm gone.
got shit to do.

stay tuned...we will soon be back to regular programming.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

cancer update

well, i just talked to my brother for the first time since sunday and have an update on the whole cancer shituation [sic].

just in case you're interested, milly's mom (let's name her muriel, and here's why:)

Muriel Angel of Emotions encourages the awareness of emotions

(maybe i will be blessed with the understanding of how i feel about all this, and/or give all them the strength to know how to get through this)

.....muriel has been at one of her 4 kid's place for a few days now. there are 3 boys, and then milly's the youngest at 39. there are bunches of grandkids and step families around them.

it was radiation they last zapped her main tumor with, and it seems to have taken a nip, so they're gonna take her back into the hospital on friday to rev her up for chemo and administer her weekly body scan.

one week after this coming saturday, she will receive another scan. if those results show the chemo not having an effect, treatment will be stopped with no plan for heart surgery on the leaky valve caused by the tumor.

what a grand valentine's that will be.

~over and out~