this rollercoaster is making me nauseous

okay it's gotta end now, right? a cycle has come to an end, i'm hoping.

good news about jack...he's feeling better! slowly but surely coming around and getting some sustenance in. his smiley face is there, and he was arguing and cracking jokes, so he'll be ok soon. he's not moving very far from a place to lay down, though.

bad news - this turn around was after i took him to the hospital last night for some industrial strength gravol. he had been puking all day from the time i first heard it at 6:30am when he got up to pee and puke at the same time. i finally made the decision to take him in around 6pm and got home around 1am, asleep around 3am. ( & awake at 6am with jared because tharen has to work as much as possible) more for the bad news file on jack: he has the WORST smelling gas EVER. seriously. i think something died in there.

good news about the truck! i took it in to the dealership because as it turns out, we are just under the wire for the warranty. now we have a new battery! but...

bad news about the truck! we took it in to the neighbourhood shop to get the rear brakes done today and the pads had been worn to less than 30%, so the calipers have to be replaced to the tune of $250. joy. that means that we have to spend around $150 every year just on redoing the rear pads so we don't have that problem again and wreck the rotors. caveat emptor, people...caveat fucking empTOR! what's 'fuck' in latin? anyone? ya know what? caveat VENditor, to the next money grubbing corporate ass jacker who tries to sell me a craftily designed cash sucking vehicle!

good news about the carpet! it's gone! yes!!! my house smells so good. (except for what's wafting from jack's butt) we totally scored with an excellent price on some leftover hardwood from my friend's house down the street, and our landlord is unbelievably paying for it! that is super cool because i was sure he'd say no. i had to phone him to tell him about having to take out the carpet and it didn't hurt to ask, did it?!? we just have to do the work, but it's going to be beautiful, thanks to some help from some good friends and harry! i can't wait 'til next weekend. the boys are going to my mom's so we'll be able to get it all done and hopefully get everything organized before sunday night.

bad news regarding the floors, though. if there has to be a bad side, it's that we can't afford to pay for it until the end of the month. let me explain: we pay up front and deduct from the rent. it's no problem, they say, but i would feel better paying right away- know what i mean?

bad news/good news: muriel is gone. she died yesterday morning just before 8am with her husband and some family near. even though this was anticipated, of course everyone is very sad. i want to be with my brother so bad, and you can hear it in his voice, too. now i can't even go meet him on the dyke because of the truck.

i have an assignment for you:

1.) go hug a loved one and tell them what they mean to you.
2.) forgive a grudge. ( a forgivable one)
3.) read this message i got in an email today.

life is too short.

**update: i know you can't see this...it was an html copy....i will transpose it tomorrow, as i have been out drowning my sorrows this evening and don't have it in me. it's worth it. so was my buddy's show that i went to tonight...all i gotta say is: SDT! (google 'em)

****update #2: transposition complete. it's late sunday night. i'm going to go lay in bed and wrap my head around this while i drift off...

when things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayo jar and the two glasses of wine...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonaisse jar and filles it will golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full - they agreed it was.

The prof then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in the jar, shaking it lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open spaces between the golf balls. He asked the students again if the jar was full - they agreed it was.

The prof next picked up a box of sand and poured it in the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous 'yes'.

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things, your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

If you put the sand in the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, there's not anything left for what matters. Pay attention to the hings that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check ups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the hosue and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented. The prof smiled. "i'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always time for a couple glasses of wine with a friend."

~

radiated lollipop, anyone?

cancer fucking sucks the big one!

i'm having a hard time with things today (actually the last few days). i'm stretched beyond far with my thoughts for my brother and his family. millie's mom has been moved to a palliative care facility for the last of her time in her body on earth. she's no longer receiving any treatment, and is just wanting help in dealing with all her final issues, including pain. i feel sad and disconnected at the same time. shock would be a word i could use for how i felt after talking to my brother the other day when he called with the news. at the end of our conversation, when we usually exchange some sort of abusive banter - mostly him telling me specifically how to flip the bird to tharen - he instead said he wanted a hug. that is such a foreign thing - for the phone, anyway. mostly sounds sweet, i know, but that's not usually how it is with us. we love each other and everything, but we often find our joy in abusing each other good heartedly! it pains my heart to think of my brother feeling vulnerable, and i know he's just drowning his sorrows so that he doesn't have to feel much. he's already an alcoholic, so who knows how this will all play out for him. worse? better? all i know is that he's in pain watching his wife and her family suffering through muriel's pain, confusion and helplessness. i can't even imagine.

muriel and her husband had some grand plans for her last few months....they knew she's dying, but assumed they'd have a bit more time. even though she was advised against travel, they decided they were going to try vegas for a last hurrah. turns out that won't be happening - she's just too sick. she's already been without treatment for about a month now because she wants to at least be able to enjoy some of her time. chemo made her so sick, it was horrible. that means that the cancer will be allowed to take over, but at least they'll be able to manage her pain. she wasn't guaranteed any more time, regardless of the radiation or chemo.

they had it well thought out. first, they went to a local casino for the weekend, then they were planning a short flight to see how she handles the altitude, to culminate with a trip to nevada, but no more. she must remain in canada, i suppose to help with issues that could arise if she died on american soil. poor woman. i am at such a loss. i don't know what to say. i'm going out to tend to my brother's tendings, as millie is at her mom's side and the kids need some attention. harry is staying out of the house as much as possible now that he's back working most days, but life is going on, as it always will. it's the way of this world and the path all of our souls will eventually take one day.

~
p.s.
my wish for the 11th of 11 consecutive posts @ 11:11
is for this little slice of hell to be over with.

come ON, spirit guide! too much time is wasting away.
you and lady nature get figurin' & work it out, already!
~

cancer update

well, i just talked to my brother for the first time since sunday and have an update on the whole cancer shituation [sic].

just in case you're interested, milly's mom (let's name her muriel, and here's why:)

Muriel

Angel of Emotions

encourages the awareness of emotions

(maybe i will be blessed with the understanding of how i feel about all this, and/or give all them the strength to know how to get through this)

.....muriel has been at one of her 4 kid's place for a few days now. there are 3 boys, and then milly's the youngest at 39. there are bunches of grandkids and step families around them.

it was radiation they last zapped her main tumor with, and it seems to have taken a nip, so they're gonna take her back into the hospital on friday to rev her up for chemo and administer her weekly body scan.

one week after this coming saturday, she will receive another scan. if those results show the chemo not having an effect, treatment will be stopped with no plan for heart surgery on the leaky valve caused by the tumor.

what a grand valentine's that will be.

~over and out~

purely a distraction...

hullo.
yay! jack is feeling better today! i was so happy to wake up from a pretty ok sleep to hear him happy. he's been up and about and giggly and silly and most importantly - NOT PUKING! i won't count my pukey chickens, though...there are still puke bowls placed conveniently about the premises. he had a piece of toast and some ginger ale for breakfast, and it all seems ok so far *touching wood*.

jared has an attitude today though, holy crap! maybe he's getting the evil sickness...and i don't feel too shit hot, either. but hey. i'm a machine, right? ...right? i'm pretty sure i'll be putting him down for a nap fairly shortly to let his little body do whatever it needs to do. besides, tharen will be home in the evening, and he is SO totally the one who's gonna have to worry about bedtimes tonight. that is - IF i even let him in the house. jesus, you have no idea whatta jackass loser he can be. hence, the distraction.

i figured i'd tell you about what else is going on in my life. it's what lucy was referring to when she made her first call in forever a couple weeks ago.

my brother's mother-in-law has cancer. the kick-you-in-the-face-and-cackle-while-you-die kind. she got diagnosed about a year ago with hodgekins or non-hodgekins....i'm not positive. whatever's worse, i guess. regardless, something's ravaging her body with a fierce intensity. she's probably not gonna win this battle no matter how much of a tough bitch she is. that may sound a little harsh, but her and i have quite a history. i'm having a hard time deciding how i feel about it. i mostly feel bad for my brother and his family. no matter how i feel about her, she's still part of their family and it must suck to see anyone suffer the way she is. i won't go into detail here, but trust me - it's NOT pretty.

milly's mom had a couple rounds of chemo over the summer and fall, but then caught pneumonia. she checked herself out of the hospital to come down to be with family for xmas and basically stayed in bed the whole time. then, after she got home, i guess they had to call 911 because she couldn't breathe. she was taken into the hospital, then med-evac'd to a hospital near here where they do her kind of cancer treatment. they did a body scan to find that not only had the cancer come back big time, but she also has a leaky valve in her heart. this means they wouldn't do another round of chemo until she has surgery on her heart, which she couldn't do because of the pneumonia. isn't that just the sourest pickle you ever plucked?


weekly body scans had become par for the course, and the next one she had showed the cancer is more aggressive than they thought. milly's mom decided to go for the chemo after being given two months to live. she then decided that if the weekly body scan showed no improvement that she wanted to stop treatment. i'm pretty sure she's since recanted that desire, but milly is still out at the hospital every day to visit her because she took a leave of absence from her job.

the money situation for them is screwy. milly's money won't start coming back in for another couple weeks, and my brother harry had to go back to work early. see, he was on e.i. for a perpetual bad back, but only recives 45% of his wage. with milly's cashflow m.i.a., he had to make sure nothing suffers, especially considering no one really knows how long this is going to last.....or what milly's gonna be like when her mom finally kicks it. they have two kids, 12 & 16, that need to be cared for and attended to, and harry doesn't get home until 6 or 7 every night. and even then, he climbs right into his 6 pack and a doobie while tending to the horses, chickens and dogs.

i tried to go out and give a hand and brought them a bunch of groceries, but that was short lived. see milly's family is crazy, and NOT in a fun way. there are so many stories i could tell, but honestly, i want to do my best to forget them. milly's been in our lives for 22 years now, so there's probably bullshit over flowing that pandora's box. there's just one unforgivable thing in particular her mom did that completely scars my view of people (mostly her). that's what's making it so hard for me to care about her. the karma kops'll get ya! milly's aunt is staying at their house, and harry thought it would be best if i stayed away for the time being. see, the falling out milly's mom and i had was a catalyst for that whole family's fuck ups to come boiling to the surface and they all had discord up until the cancer thing came about. i say if you don't wanna be classed as a classless fool, then have some fucking class. but anyway, that doesn't take away from the fact that i'm hurting for harry, milly, my niece and nephew. i may not be able to go there while milly and her aunt are there, but my first reaction was this:

*** (c) ***

heartstrings

i'm afraid to make the phone ring
for fear it will stop your heart
my parallel reality vicarious here -
tries to imagine, but withdraws with a start

never any past shall cross my soul in this
any request i will own
half my heart breathes in your house -
i shall due care as it is my own

with one step back i observe the race
and pray with a heart on loan -
for when the chips lay down &
you're on broken ground
that you'll know where your heart is going

(c) teague.
~cb'09~
(for milly)
***

so that's what's going on in other areas of my life, and why i have the pic i do for my profile. my heartstrings are stretched.