been a while again.
time goes too fast, damn it! lots has happened again, and i don't know where to start.
asperger's! my boy doesn't have it!...or at least they think he doesn't. actually, he adds up to some fairly high scores in some areas, but not so high in others. not enough to add to a collective diagnosis in the one area. basically, i still don't have my answer. there were some rumblings about his core strength...maybe he doesn't have enough, and that's why he tires easily. huh. boot camp it is! bikini season is comin' anyway, and i kinda liked it when i made my husband proud on the beach! won't be much of that goin' on though if i keep eatin' those chips! man! yep. i could lose 10 pounds. fer sher. but still...not bad for two babies and no working out, but i digress...
jack's academics are right near the top of the charts, especially his math reasoning. i already knew that, but it is nice to hear. the social aspects and the message response and retrieval are a bit wonky, though. i suppose i have to try a little harder to put him in social situations, but the truth is that i know exactly where he's coming from. i am perfectly fine not being around people most of the time. i'm hard pressed to find more than a few memories of myself feeling lonely. all i can hope is that he does find someone in life he feels comfortable with. truly comfortable. it's been a rarity in my life, but it happens.
lovers and the odd friend have had that effect on me from time to time. there are some stand outs that still get thought about. not in the sense that i'd need them, but in the sense that they all add up to what i found to marry. certain people had my favorite found qualities, but then attached was a deal breaker, or the attraction just simply didn't have a big enough effect on either of us. the shitty things aside, that's one thing i've definitely known was where i'm supposed to be. tharen's aloofness gets aggravating, but maybe that's the wonder of him that allows him to put up with me! ya think?
i have to make an appointment with a paediatric physiotherapist for jack, and one with his teacher once i receive the hard copy of his report and decide what to tell her. most importantly, i'll be letting her know that i was told that there's no hope for getting help in the clasroom for a kid like jack. so it'll be up to her to keep reminding him to work while there's other kids in the class that so obviously need her intervention. that bites, but otherwise, it would seem as if jack's not capable because he's not finishing the requested tasks all the time. so...what do i do? you can't have a kindergartener bringing homework to do...that seems a little ridiculous, but when next year comes around he'll suffer because he'll think things aren't really required of him. i've always said that i want to add to his curriculum regardless, which is why i had him signing and speaking spanish and french. those things kind of got left onthe back burner once his social quirks became more apparent. i'm going to have to try to clear the hurdle of accepting what IS.
we are our kids' advocates, don't ever forget that. you have to seek answers and then make the toughest decisions as you try to figure out which answer to listen to. just because a doctor says something, that doesn't mean that's THE answer. doctors have been wrong before, and they'll be wrong again. i've learned what my gut feels like, and it's telling me that there's more to discover. if i were to be satisfied with what i'm told, i'd let jack take the lead and then have him looked at for ADD or ADHD in a couple years. that sounds too easy to me. there's not a hope in hell that i'm going to medicate my child for that. he's a boy, for cryin' out loud! if there weren't so many lazy parents and women who don't feel 'fulfilled' out there, i think this world could've raised a generation that takes responsibility. a generation that has too much pride to be so classless. a generation that at least has the couth to keep their filthy fuck ups to themselves. a generation that knows that if you don't do what's required of you in a society, that society and life's pleasures will shun you.
now, we're stuck with an era filled with people who don't know what's right, even if they wanted to do right. people who think they need more than their core. i know that i could've done more with my life, but i often wonder....would i feel this way even if i had more ambition? but then that sounds wrong. i do have ambition....it's just not for a big bank account. it's that i want to raise fully functioning, contributing men. i had my choice. i wasn't forced to stay home, and have actually tried to be employed out of the house. i just don't like it, and neither does tharen. i genuinely enjoy taking care of my family and i want to be there when they come home. even when they're teens and don't want me around.....i'll take that. i'm still going to be here. THAT is my job.
now off to boot camp....
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
artist management?
so i've just been informed that tossing logic is going ahead and doing this deal with that fucking jackass. i just received the press kit with this dude's name splashed all over it listed as management. i guess martin called and told tharen that they're going through with it to see what happens. whatever. he can't go on a tour anyway, so that bites. at least the copyrights are down - the residuals shall suffice. they can hire some other dude to go live like a pig for a month and then barely get paid. for what? livin' the rock dream? gimme a fuckin' break. if i could even beGIN to count how many bands i've seen in this position...it's a sad statement, but not many make it, and i've got a family to think about.
i'm not sure why i'm so against this, but my head is screaming at me. i sure as fuck don't want to be socializing with that crew, and wish they wouldn't, either. it's not like this is the first time, though. and it won't be the last. offers come and go and come again, just like opportunities. problem is, someone's always busy bitching! and there's some question out there as to why no one will touch them and it's so difficult to break them out. i mean, fuck. it's been five years with wicked exposure! what the hell?
man i wish i lived far, far away sometimes. i should be happy for them, but i'm totally NOT, and my gut's been right too many times to ignore.
fuckin' 40 year olds and their pipe dreams. if you love music so much, then play music! sorry, but i'm not risking my livlihood for a flash in the pan. i'm too jaded. or maybe i can also admit that they're not the best band out there. just 'cause it's true doesn't make it my fault.
i'm not sure why i'm so against this, but my head is screaming at me. i sure as fuck don't want to be socializing with that crew, and wish they wouldn't, either. it's not like this is the first time, though. and it won't be the last. offers come and go and come again, just like opportunities. problem is, someone's always busy bitching! and there's some question out there as to why no one will touch them and it's so difficult to break them out. i mean, fuck. it's been five years with wicked exposure! what the hell?
man i wish i lived far, far away sometimes. i should be happy for them, but i'm totally NOT, and my gut's been right too many times to ignore.
fuckin' 40 year olds and their pipe dreams. if you love music so much, then play music! sorry, but i'm not risking my livlihood for a flash in the pan. i'm too jaded. or maybe i can also admit that they're not the best band out there. just 'cause it's true doesn't make it my fault.
i'm back!
wow....it's been a while! i've had a goofy couple weeks, that's for sure! mostly to do with illness....my kid's, mine.....YUCK!...but we're all better now.
there was a day last week that i almost took my oldest into the hospital, he was so ill and in pain, poor little guy. turns out it was just a 24hr thing, i guess because the next day he was full of beans! which is good, because tharen had left town for a couple work days the morning this all went down. just my luck! stuck with a vomiting sweetnut and a 2 year old wacknut! i didn't start to get ill until the next day, so at least it was spaced out! we never had to share puke bowls! bonus!
when did i write last? it's hard to remember....what HAVE i been up to? let's have a look-see at the calendar here......
tossing logic had a really good show a couple weekends ago. we picked up janis and had a relatively good time, considering that we both felt like ass bags. i had mentioned something about staying home for that one, but tharen gave me one of those sideways looks, so i made the call to try and burn the evil out with booze! the boys were out at my parents' for the whole weekend, so we had most of saturday to lay around and be shmoopy. it was awesome - & i had a great sleep that night!
the hassle with suzy and the record deal dude is over for good, thank GAWD. tharen finally said it in his own words to them so they can get over their oddity with me. i've been asking him to do it for weeks. i don't like answering their messages. black and white. it was funny, too, because as soon as they found out it was him sending the message they stfu! even though we said the same thing! fuck! they just can't seem to get over the fact that i RELAY messages. fuckin' little pissants should really concentrate on not being boring fucking 40 year old musicians instead of bitching at the messenger. as if i have control. fuckin' morons. i'm the one who talks about what tharen says. he's not a talker. fuckin' learn how to read people and quit fumbling through life like a little bitch! whew! that felt great! haha! i'm pretty sure that i'm a touch too much brash sometimes, but seriously.
it's kind of a weird subject because of the sensitive and scattered info we received regarding the two parties involved in the whole music agreement proposition. i've learned over time that it's not best to be spreading other people's stories, because i probably don't know everything. of course i learned that from the reverse experience of having other people assume things about me so OBVIOUSLY with out all the pertinent information.
there, there....don't even assume that you know the whole story even if you've been TOLD you know the whole story. i know i leave things out, or don't even bring it up according to whom i'm speaking with. i can just tell some people aren't worth the bother. and so as not to sound ultra negative....i can tell the ones who ARE worth the bother.... i can make a friend anywhere. if i think it's worth it. my oldest and dearest friend (hmmmn....he shall be monikered...hunter, 'cause i know he would love it) often joked that i made more friends in the town that he lived in than he did. i can't help it. you don't need to know the lastest pop song, trendiest fashion score, quirkiest lines, or even the current state of the (this is my word for politics...c'est clever, oui?--->) POLITWIT waltz - just be REAL!. hence my eclectic mix of connections. i'm a friendly girl! the ones who don't think i'm friendly often have had reason for me to be UNfriendly. what can i say? i'd still rather be me!
just don't piss me off - or at least not be a sucky, whiny, blithering fool when i tell you you've done so! that is just so pathetic, and i have so much more respect for the people who refuse to be fake. i don't see the point. why have a bunch of people that aren't really your friends, but talk as if they are instead of having a few people you KNOW you can rely on? i'd rather treat the lovelies i HAVE with care and then sometimes a little well deserved brashness than hang on to a bunch of nothingness. i expect my friends to be there for me as much as i am (want to be) for them. there's nothing wrong with that, and that's the way more people should be!
i often wonder what life would have been like for me if i didn't have to be so vocal about all the jackass bullshit that goes down! i like to choose good people to be around me nowadays. sometimes i get stuck with some remnants that just ain't cuttin' it anymore, and yes, i guess i get tactless. i think i do it by making myself a not very pleasant person to them just so they'll go away. oh, and i couldn't give a fuck if you don't like my 'tone' when i tell you should take care of what's important. you think i WANT to be the life police? i calls 'em as i sees 'em! haha! shimple shtuff! if you weren't a jackass, i wouldn't be calling you one.!
anyway, i was having a really good day! where did THAT come from?
i have my few good friends for discussing things, and the rest i'll leave for discovery. unLESS i see fit, haha! by that i mean: sometimes i just can't help stickin' my nose in because it's just too ridiculous! like the time my freshly de-junked friend hunter was about to start a relationship with my friend who just got out of the psych ward for irresponsible knivery(!). ya. didn't think that was a good idea and voiced it. they hated on me for it. ya. i can take it, you freak.
anywayyyyyyy...chuckle chuckle, snort snort!
so have i mentioned that i think my eldest son has asperger's syndrome? i don't really have the time to explain what that's all about, but if you look it up, keep in mind that he's on the high end of the spectrum. very confusing thing to figure out, and we're in the process of it right now. i'm sort of on pins and needles, because i know his consulting team is discussing him this very afternoon. i pretty much already know the answer they're gonna give me, but it will sure seem a little odd to have a psychologist, speech pathologist and pediatrician sitting in front of you confirming your fears.
over the last couple of weeks we've had jack at 3 different appointments so they can all do their assessments. very weird thing to be seeking out a label that i don't want my son to have, but need him to have if he needs it!?! understand? yeah, thought so. he's been having issues with being able to do class work, and we're not too sure why. his teacher has suggested he wear a toque in class to help him 'block out' the noise. i chose to take it from the point of view that he needs to learn how to ignore the noise, because the little guy isn't gonna be able to wear a freakin' toque his entire life! i mean, really. does that sound like the advice of a teacher that is already strapped for time and patience for matters such as this? teachers are already stretched way too thin, and i guess my boy is gonna need a little help behind him to make sure he figures out how to accept his own head.
i know what it's like to have so much in your head that you don't know what to do with. did i also ever mention that the more i read about asperger's, the more i find myself? thank god i don't have to leave my babies to go work. more and more all the time, i'm grateful that i'm able to be here to do the job i was meant to do. i often wonder why so many women feel unfulfilled. what's up with that? creating life ain't enough for ya?
my valentine weekend was beautiful. dates with my guys, more diamonds for the stash, and love, sweet love. i love loving, and i love being loved. things are a little different with tharen and i after the last falling out we had. i choose to believe that he realizes how close a call that was. i am so seriously not into wasting time, and would rather be alone than wonder when the next retard convention happens in my living room.....and he knows how to make that right. we don't have many issues after the effects of his drinking. that's the only time we've had a big fight. do the math, honey. booze4u = baaaaaaaad! i don't think i filled you all in on the last fight. well. it was bad, and wouldn't have happened without the hooch, as usual. so, problem solved. sucks that i had to remind him of how i'll feel about all this if it's still going on after i don't need a babysitter anymore. i shouldn't have to worry about loyalties in my marriage, for cryin' out loud! i need someone who's plugged in, or i figure, what's the point?
well.
dinnertime.
there was a day last week that i almost took my oldest into the hospital, he was so ill and in pain, poor little guy. turns out it was just a 24hr thing, i guess because the next day he was full of beans! which is good, because tharen had left town for a couple work days the morning this all went down. just my luck! stuck with a vomiting sweetnut and a 2 year old wacknut! i didn't start to get ill until the next day, so at least it was spaced out! we never had to share puke bowls! bonus!
when did i write last? it's hard to remember....what HAVE i been up to? let's have a look-see at the calendar here......
tossing logic had a really good show a couple weekends ago. we picked up janis and had a relatively good time, considering that we both felt like ass bags. i had mentioned something about staying home for that one, but tharen gave me one of those sideways looks, so i made the call to try and burn the evil out with booze! the boys were out at my parents' for the whole weekend, so we had most of saturday to lay around and be shmoopy. it was awesome - & i had a great sleep that night!
the hassle with suzy and the record deal dude is over for good, thank GAWD. tharen finally said it in his own words to them so they can get over their oddity with me. i've been asking him to do it for weeks. i don't like answering their messages. black and white. it was funny, too, because as soon as they found out it was him sending the message they stfu! even though we said the same thing! fuck! they just can't seem to get over the fact that i RELAY messages. fuckin' little pissants should really concentrate on not being boring fucking 40 year old musicians instead of bitching at the messenger. as if i have control. fuckin' morons. i'm the one who talks about what tharen says. he's not a talker. fuckin' learn how to read people and quit fumbling through life like a little bitch! whew! that felt great! haha! i'm pretty sure that i'm a touch too much brash sometimes, but seriously.
it's kind of a weird subject because of the sensitive and scattered info we received regarding the two parties involved in the whole music agreement proposition. i've learned over time that it's not best to be spreading other people's stories, because i probably don't know everything. of course i learned that from the reverse experience of having other people assume things about me so OBVIOUSLY with out all the pertinent information.
there, there....don't even assume that you know the whole story even if you've been TOLD you know the whole story. i know i leave things out, or don't even bring it up according to whom i'm speaking with. i can just tell some people aren't worth the bother. and so as not to sound ultra negative....i can tell the ones who ARE worth the bother.... i can make a friend anywhere. if i think it's worth it. my oldest and dearest friend (hmmmn....he shall be monikered...hunter, 'cause i know he would love it) often joked that i made more friends in the town that he lived in than he did. i can't help it. you don't need to know the lastest pop song, trendiest fashion score, quirkiest lines, or even the current state of the (this is my word for politics...c'est clever, oui?--->) POLITWIT waltz - just be REAL!. hence my eclectic mix of connections. i'm a friendly girl! the ones who don't think i'm friendly often have had reason for me to be UNfriendly. what can i say? i'd still rather be me!
just don't piss me off - or at least not be a sucky, whiny, blithering fool when i tell you you've done so! that is just so pathetic, and i have so much more respect for the people who refuse to be fake. i don't see the point. why have a bunch of people that aren't really your friends, but talk as if they are instead of having a few people you KNOW you can rely on? i'd rather treat the lovelies i HAVE with care and then sometimes a little well deserved brashness than hang on to a bunch of nothingness. i expect my friends to be there for me as much as i am (want to be) for them. there's nothing wrong with that, and that's the way more people should be!
i often wonder what life would have been like for me if i didn't have to be so vocal about all the jackass bullshit that goes down! i like to choose good people to be around me nowadays. sometimes i get stuck with some remnants that just ain't cuttin' it anymore, and yes, i guess i get tactless. i think i do it by making myself a not very pleasant person to them just so they'll go away. oh, and i couldn't give a fuck if you don't like my 'tone' when i tell you should take care of what's important. you think i WANT to be the life police? i calls 'em as i sees 'em! haha! shimple shtuff! if you weren't a jackass, i wouldn't be calling you one.!
anyway, i was having a really good day! where did THAT come from?
i have my few good friends for discussing things, and the rest i'll leave for discovery. unLESS i see fit, haha! by that i mean: sometimes i just can't help stickin' my nose in because it's just too ridiculous! like the time my freshly de-junked friend hunter was about to start a relationship with my friend who just got out of the psych ward for irresponsible knivery(!). ya. didn't think that was a good idea and voiced it. they hated on me for it. ya. i can take it, you freak.
anywayyyyyyy...chuckle chuckle, snort snort!
so have i mentioned that i think my eldest son has asperger's syndrome? i don't really have the time to explain what that's all about, but if you look it up, keep in mind that he's on the high end of the spectrum. very confusing thing to figure out, and we're in the process of it right now. i'm sort of on pins and needles, because i know his consulting team is discussing him this very afternoon. i pretty much already know the answer they're gonna give me, but it will sure seem a little odd to have a psychologist, speech pathologist and pediatrician sitting in front of you confirming your fears.
over the last couple of weeks we've had jack at 3 different appointments so they can all do their assessments. very weird thing to be seeking out a label that i don't want my son to have, but need him to have if he needs it!?! understand? yeah, thought so. he's been having issues with being able to do class work, and we're not too sure why. his teacher has suggested he wear a toque in class to help him 'block out' the noise. i chose to take it from the point of view that he needs to learn how to ignore the noise, because the little guy isn't gonna be able to wear a freakin' toque his entire life! i mean, really. does that sound like the advice of a teacher that is already strapped for time and patience for matters such as this? teachers are already stretched way too thin, and i guess my boy is gonna need a little help behind him to make sure he figures out how to accept his own head.
i know what it's like to have so much in your head that you don't know what to do with. did i also ever mention that the more i read about asperger's, the more i find myself? thank god i don't have to leave my babies to go work. more and more all the time, i'm grateful that i'm able to be here to do the job i was meant to do. i often wonder why so many women feel unfulfilled. what's up with that? creating life ain't enough for ya?
my valentine weekend was beautiful. dates with my guys, more diamonds for the stash, and love, sweet love. i love loving, and i love being loved. things are a little different with tharen and i after the last falling out we had. i choose to believe that he realizes how close a call that was. i am so seriously not into wasting time, and would rather be alone than wonder when the next retard convention happens in my living room.....and he knows how to make that right. we don't have many issues after the effects of his drinking. that's the only time we've had a big fight. do the math, honey. booze4u = baaaaaaaad! i don't think i filled you all in on the last fight. well. it was bad, and wouldn't have happened without the hooch, as usual. so, problem solved. sucks that i had to remind him of how i'll feel about all this if it's still going on after i don't need a babysitter anymore. i shouldn't have to worry about loyalties in my marriage, for cryin' out loud! i need someone who's plugged in, or i figure, what's the point?
well.
dinnertime.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
cancer update
well, i just talked to my brother for the first time since sunday and have an update on the whole cancer shituation [sic].
just in case you're interested, milly's mom (let's name her muriel, and here's why:)
(maybe i will be blessed with the understanding of how i feel about all this, and/or give all them the strength to know how to get through this)
.....muriel has been at one of her 4 kid's place for a few days now. there are 3 boys, and then milly's the youngest at 39. there are bunches of grandkids and step families around them.
it was radiation they last zapped her main tumor with, and it seems to have taken a nip, so they're gonna take her back into the hospital on friday to rev her up for chemo and administer her weekly body scan.
one week after this coming saturday, she will receive another scan. if those results show the chemo not having an effect, treatment will be stopped with no plan for heart surgery on the leaky valve caused by the tumor.
what a grand valentine's that will be.
~over and out~
just in case you're interested, milly's mom (let's name her muriel, and here's why:)
| Muriel | Angel of Emotions | encourages the awareness of emotions |
(maybe i will be blessed with the understanding of how i feel about all this, and/or give all them the strength to know how to get through this)
.....muriel has been at one of her 4 kid's place for a few days now. there are 3 boys, and then milly's the youngest at 39. there are bunches of grandkids and step families around them.
it was radiation they last zapped her main tumor with, and it seems to have taken a nip, so they're gonna take her back into the hospital on friday to rev her up for chemo and administer her weekly body scan.
one week after this coming saturday, she will receive another scan. if those results show the chemo not having an effect, treatment will be stopped with no plan for heart surgery on the leaky valve caused by the tumor.
what a grand valentine's that will be.
~over and out~
purely a distraction...
hullo.
yay! jack is feeling better today! i was so happy to wake up from a pretty ok sleep to hear him happy. he's been up and about and giggly and silly and most importantly - NOT PUKING! i won't count my pukey chickens, though...there are still puke bowls placed conveniently about the premises. he had a piece of toast and some ginger ale for breakfast, and it all seems ok so far *touching wood*.
jared has an attitude today though, holy crap! maybe he's getting the evil sickness...and i don't feel too shit hot, either. but hey. i'm a machine, right? ...right? i'm pretty sure i'll be putting him down for a nap fairly shortly to let his little body do whatever it needs to do. besides, tharen will be home in the evening, and he is SO totally the one who's gonna have to worry about bedtimes tonight. that is - IF i even let him in the house. jesus, you have no idea whatta jackass loser he can be. hence, the distraction.
i figured i'd tell you about what else is going on in my life. it's what lucy was referring to when she made her first call in forever a couple weeks ago.
my brother's mother-in-law has cancer. the kick-you-in-the-face-and-cackle-while-you-die kind. she got diagnosed about a year ago with hodgekins or non-hodgekins....i'm not positive. whatever's worse, i guess. regardless, something's ravaging her body with a fierce intensity. she's probably not gonna win this battle no matter how much of a tough bitch she is. that may sound a little harsh, but her and i have quite a history. i'm having a hard time deciding how i feel about it. i mostly feel bad for my brother and his family. no matter how i feel about her, she's still part of their family and it must suck to see anyone suffer the way she is. i won't go into detail here, but trust me - it's NOT pretty.
milly's mom had a couple rounds of chemo over the summer and fall, but then caught pneumonia. she checked herself out of the hospital to come down to be with family for xmas and basically stayed in bed the whole time. then, after she got home, i guess they had to call 911 because she couldn't breathe. she was taken into the hospital, then med-evac'd to a hospital near here where they do her kind of cancer treatment. they did a body scan to find that not only had the cancer come back big time, but she also has a leaky valve in her heart. this means they wouldn't do another round of chemo until she has surgery on her heart, which she couldn't do because of the pneumonia. isn't that just the sourest pickle you ever plucked?
weekly body scans had become par for the course, and the next one she had showed the cancer is more aggressive than they thought. milly's mom decided to go for the chemo after being given two months to live. she then decided that if the weekly body scan showed no improvement that she wanted to stop treatment. i'm pretty sure she's since recanted that desire, but milly is still out at the hospital every day to visit her because she took a leave of absence from her job.
the money situation for them is screwy. milly's money won't start coming back in for another couple weeks, and my brother harry had to go back to work early. see, he was on e.i. for a perpetual bad back, but only recives 45% of his wage. with milly's cashflow m.i.a., he had to make sure nothing suffers, especially considering no one really knows how long this is going to last.....or what milly's gonna be like when her mom finally kicks it. they have two kids, 12 & 16, that need to be cared for and attended to, and harry doesn't get home until 6 or 7 every night. and even then, he climbs right into his 6 pack and a doobie while tending to the horses, chickens and dogs.
i tried to go out and give a hand and brought them a bunch of groceries, but that was short lived. see milly's family is crazy, and NOT in a fun way. there are so many stories i could tell, but honestly, i want to do my best to forget them. milly's been in our lives for 22 years now, so there's probably bullshit over flowing that pandora's box. there's just one unforgivable thing in particular her mom did that completely scars my view of people (mostly her). that's what's making it so hard for me to care about her. the karma kops'll get ya! milly's aunt is staying at their house, and harry thought it would be best if i stayed away for the time being. see, the falling out milly's mom and i had was a catalyst for that whole family's fuck ups to come boiling to the surface and they all had discord up until the cancer thing came about. i say if you don't wanna be classed as a classless fool, then have some fucking class. but anyway, that doesn't take away from the fact that i'm hurting for harry, milly, my niece and nephew. i may not be able to go there while milly and her aunt are there, but my first reaction was this:
so that's what's going on in other areas of my life, and why i have the pic i do for my profile. my heartstrings are stretched.
yay! jack is feeling better today! i was so happy to wake up from a pretty ok sleep to hear him happy. he's been up and about and giggly and silly and most importantly - NOT PUKING! i won't count my pukey chickens, though...there are still puke bowls placed conveniently about the premises. he had a piece of toast and some ginger ale for breakfast, and it all seems ok so far *touching wood*.
jared has an attitude today though, holy crap! maybe he's getting the evil sickness...and i don't feel too shit hot, either. but hey. i'm a machine, right? ...right? i'm pretty sure i'll be putting him down for a nap fairly shortly to let his little body do whatever it needs to do. besides, tharen will be home in the evening, and he is SO totally the one who's gonna have to worry about bedtimes tonight. that is - IF i even let him in the house. jesus, you have no idea whatta jackass loser he can be. hence, the distraction.
i figured i'd tell you about what else is going on in my life. it's what lucy was referring to when she made her first call in forever a couple weeks ago.
my brother's mother-in-law has cancer. the kick-you-in-the-face-and-cackle-while-you-die kind. she got diagnosed about a year ago with hodgekins or non-hodgekins....i'm not positive. whatever's worse, i guess. regardless, something's ravaging her body with a fierce intensity. she's probably not gonna win this battle no matter how much of a tough bitch she is. that may sound a little harsh, but her and i have quite a history. i'm having a hard time deciding how i feel about it. i mostly feel bad for my brother and his family. no matter how i feel about her, she's still part of their family and it must suck to see anyone suffer the way she is. i won't go into detail here, but trust me - it's NOT pretty.
milly's mom had a couple rounds of chemo over the summer and fall, but then caught pneumonia. she checked herself out of the hospital to come down to be with family for xmas and basically stayed in bed the whole time. then, after she got home, i guess they had to call 911 because she couldn't breathe. she was taken into the hospital, then med-evac'd to a hospital near here where they do her kind of cancer treatment. they did a body scan to find that not only had the cancer come back big time, but she also has a leaky valve in her heart. this means they wouldn't do another round of chemo until she has surgery on her heart, which she couldn't do because of the pneumonia. isn't that just the sourest pickle you ever plucked?
weekly body scans had become par for the course, and the next one she had showed the cancer is more aggressive than they thought. milly's mom decided to go for the chemo after being given two months to live. she then decided that if the weekly body scan showed no improvement that she wanted to stop treatment. i'm pretty sure she's since recanted that desire, but milly is still out at the hospital every day to visit her because she took a leave of absence from her job.
the money situation for them is screwy. milly's money won't start coming back in for another couple weeks, and my brother harry had to go back to work early. see, he was on e.i. for a perpetual bad back, but only recives 45% of his wage. with milly's cashflow m.i.a., he had to make sure nothing suffers, especially considering no one really knows how long this is going to last.....or what milly's gonna be like when her mom finally kicks it. they have two kids, 12 & 16, that need to be cared for and attended to, and harry doesn't get home until 6 or 7 every night. and even then, he climbs right into his 6 pack and a doobie while tending to the horses, chickens and dogs.
i tried to go out and give a hand and brought them a bunch of groceries, but that was short lived. see milly's family is crazy, and NOT in a fun way. there are so many stories i could tell, but honestly, i want to do my best to forget them. milly's been in our lives for 22 years now, so there's probably bullshit over flowing that pandora's box. there's just one unforgivable thing in particular her mom did that completely scars my view of people (mostly her). that's what's making it so hard for me to care about her. the karma kops'll get ya! milly's aunt is staying at their house, and harry thought it would be best if i stayed away for the time being. see, the falling out milly's mom and i had was a catalyst for that whole family's fuck ups to come boiling to the surface and they all had discord up until the cancer thing came about. i say if you don't wanna be classed as a classless fool, then have some fucking class. but anyway, that doesn't take away from the fact that i'm hurting for harry, milly, my niece and nephew. i may not be able to go there while milly and her aunt are there, but my first reaction was this:
*** (c) ***
heartstrings
i'm afraid to make the phone ring
for fear it will stop your heart
my parallel reality vicarious here -
tries to imagine, but withdraws with a start
never any past shall cross my soul in this
any request i will own
half my heart breathes in your house -
i shall due care as it is my own
with one step back i observe the race
and pray with a heart on loan -
for when the chips lay down &
you're on broken ground
that you'll know where your heart is going
(c) teague.
~cb'09~
(for milly)
***
so that's what's going on in other areas of my life, and why i have the pic i do for my profile. my heartstrings are stretched.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
a friend like hades on the day from hell
holy christ.
fairly succinct? definitely, yes. let me explain:
jesus. i'm writing this in shots in between the toilet festivals that have been going on today. jack is sick. as in- very. i got a call from his school's secretary this morning saying that i should "immediately pick up my son - he is vomiting." ...and by that, she meant he had vomited in the classroom, down the hall, and on the bathroom floor. i get there, and the covering custodian (who is 5 months pregnant, by the by) is cleaning up the loveliness. man oh, man. that's always a joy, hey?
so i bring my pukey boy home with the two year old in tow and he proceeds to climb right up into his bed. i could barely get him changed because he was so sleepy, and then maybe half an hour later he ralphs all over his bed! so, i had to get that all cleaned up. hah! MORE laundry! i tried to get jared to lay down for a nap, but he wasn't havin' ANY of that. instead, he decided to fall asleep behind my back at around 4pm while i was cleaning a puke bowl for the 8th time! now he's gonna be up until 11! i let him sleep because, well, i needed a freakin' break! i really am trying to keep them separate, because i want to avoid having two retchers if at all possible.
have i mentioned that tharon is gone for work for two days? yeah. the loveliness spews, pours, gushes and glows over here! you're jealous, i know. it's ok. i called him this morning, but he didn't get the message until after 3 this afternoon. he actually didn't even listen to his message. he just called me unknowing about his boy - not that he could do anything, i guess, but still...i know i wouldn't like it if i was informed of a day long pukorama after the fact!
and here's another shovel full: tharon and i got to talk for maybe five minutes, and then the POWER went out for almost two hours! i had no landline 'cause it's digital, thought i should save my cell battery just in case, and was starting to light candles to assess the dinner situation when it finally came back on. wow. that would've sucked huge - to go all night? brutal. i'm not sure what the problem was, but i contemplated heading to my mother's. i must've been a bit worried for that to happen! i actually haven't been able to get ahold of her all afternoon, and i'm not really sure what to do.
i was thinking i should take jack to the hospital, and i still might. he has no fever but is breathing fast, which would indicate an infection as opposed to a virus. if it starts coming out his butt, i'm outta here to get it tested. there was a time that we had jack in the hospital for an h.compilobacteria-somethin' infection in his tummy, and that sorta thing causes the ultimate loveliness of death, so i'm not taking any chances. the whole waiting room thing doesn't affect us yet, 'cause they take little kids in right away....especially if there are stomach contents involved.
i really wish tharen were here, instead of "worrying" his time away in the motel pub while watching the game! at least he'll get a good night's sleep tonight and can take over tomorrow! the job they're at is a union site, so they get kicked off the site by 3pm, which means he should be home around 7.....here's hopin'!
but at least i have good friends....yeah right! i got a call from one in particular, and i tell ya....if i could have reached through the phone to strangle her, i would've. my word, she irritates me! concurring with one of janis' recent blogs, weak women repulse me, and she be one of 'em. not janis, the other one....let's call her lucy. see, lucy's loose. she never used to be, but has since gone pathetic slutzo after splitting with her baby daddy of 13 years.
i've known her for almost 20 years. met in high school, and i was her 'cool' friend. well, that's what she says, but i think she was right. especially if compared to her. nasty, i know. sad, but true. she's (was) an awesome person, but i didn't really hang out with her all that much. i suppose our friendship budded in foods class after regina quit school. after all, i needed another smoking partner! lucy's the one who told everyone my metallica story, and still does! she's crazy.
wanna know what else makes her crazy? blowing off her nearest, dearest, oldest friends so she can beg attention from a fucking cokehead. that's right, cokehead. powder king, snort face, jack crack, rock jock - as in: cuckoo for the coca. we lost touch here and there, but always wound up talking again. the longest stretch of not being in touch over two years was because she had to follow her baby daddy on a run from some house owners who suddenly had their prized uh...tomatoes go missing. can you fucking believe it?
so anyway, the move north wreaks havoc on their relationship, and soon enough, all the stories come pouring out....he spends all their money on coke! they didn't even have a rent where they were living, but they regularly went without things while living in a house that wasn't suitable for the rats. she high tails it outta there on the presumption that she's coming to take care of her ailing grandparents, but who the fuck leaves their kids to care for family members that already have tons of family around? yeah, come visit....but she was here for 2 months!...and then came back again! see, while she was gone the first time, he had gotten comfy with some broad. and if you can believe it, she justified to me how this man stealing hussy could go in and sit with her kids...cuddling for movies, planning for birthdays....FUCKING HER MAN!?! i seriously started losing respect for her back then....she wasn't the kind of person i thought she was. i thought she had standards and morals. i thought that's why i liked her.
she decides she's leaving for good and moving back to this area, but can't go back to her previous town 'cause of the, you know, tom-rip. so she's out in a way further suburb and i haven't seen her except for when i go out there. one of the few times she did come here, she brought one of her coke heads with her and he fucking left some in the tent of ours they slept in! FUCK ME! that shit does NOT happen here. marijuana? yes. synthetic powdered pathetic? no. so, i would've reclaimed my adoration for her had she been a true strong woman and told him to eat it...but no. she kept doing him. i found out that all the time i never saw her 'cause of this guy she was just 15 minutes away trying to be cute enough to entice him out of his four walls to no avail. apparently this dude never wanted to do anything. he would do blow while sitting home alone with her, and she insists she doesn't do it. i'm not sure if i believe her. she'll do anything to be liked, apparently. she even asked me about ass sex cuz she thought it would keep dude happy enough to not do rails. fucking moron. you're only supposed to do that if he's EARNED the treat!
seriously, though. she's now (AND STILL!) trying to fuck some dude who she tried for months to be in a relationship with. granted, they did have a casual screwing affair, but she lives her life around it. she is not aware of the actual ground rules of a 'no strings' 'casual other', so she unknowingly broke every single one of them. THIS guy got caught red dicked screwing some other chick. lucy throws a fit, but is STILL trying to get this guy. and the ultra pathetic thing? he won't cheat on the twat he's with now, which is the one he 'cheated' with. she's insisting that it can be secret. and he won't do it. huh. i don't wanna be mean, here, but clue the fuck in!
i've been avoiding talking to her for a few weeks now. she's been calling me to make herself feel better about a situation that's going on in my life right now.maybe i'll write about that tomorrow. but anyway, while i'm on the phone with her, she's passive-aggrasively trying to make ME feel bad that i haven't responded to her. FUCK ME! she said in a message a couple weeks ago: "dude, i'm so sorry.....i had no idea.....whatever you need, i'm there for ya...." my non-verbal response to her was: "dude, you had no idea 'cause YOU'RE NEVER AROUND!" anyways, she still tried her shit even after i told her about the day i'm having! fucking retard. so i got off the phone fairly fast. it was the one time today that i was glad to hear damon yelling out for help. after hearing that she's still trying with that guy pretty much turned me off. at first i thought i might like to talk to her finally, but no. after the pathetic info and the guilt trip, i would've MUCH rather cleaned another puke bowl.
jack's finally sleeping now....it's after 11pm. he layed on the living room floor literally ALL day. and the puking! at least a dozen times. my poor, sweet guy. every time i lay with him, i imagine pulling all the germies into my body. i can deal. i'm a machine.
o - and tharen and i had an argument 'cause he's a drunk fuck. i'll tell you about that later, or else it would be it would be a giant blob of black tar hate right now. trust me.
fairly succinct? definitely, yes. let me explain:
jesus. i'm writing this in shots in between the toilet festivals that have been going on today. jack is sick. as in- very. i got a call from his school's secretary this morning saying that i should "immediately pick up my son - he is vomiting." ...and by that, she meant he had vomited in the classroom, down the hall, and on the bathroom floor. i get there, and the covering custodian (who is 5 months pregnant, by the by) is cleaning up the loveliness. man oh, man. that's always a joy, hey?
so i bring my pukey boy home with the two year old in tow and he proceeds to climb right up into his bed. i could barely get him changed because he was so sleepy, and then maybe half an hour later he ralphs all over his bed! so, i had to get that all cleaned up. hah! MORE laundry! i tried to get jared to lay down for a nap, but he wasn't havin' ANY of that. instead, he decided to fall asleep behind my back at around 4pm while i was cleaning a puke bowl for the 8th time! now he's gonna be up until 11! i let him sleep because, well, i needed a freakin' break! i really am trying to keep them separate, because i want to avoid having two retchers if at all possible.
have i mentioned that tharon is gone for work for two days? yeah. the loveliness spews, pours, gushes and glows over here! you're jealous, i know. it's ok. i called him this morning, but he didn't get the message until after 3 this afternoon. he actually didn't even listen to his message. he just called me unknowing about his boy - not that he could do anything, i guess, but still...i know i wouldn't like it if i was informed of a day long pukorama after the fact!
and here's another shovel full: tharon and i got to talk for maybe five minutes, and then the POWER went out for almost two hours! i had no landline 'cause it's digital, thought i should save my cell battery just in case, and was starting to light candles to assess the dinner situation when it finally came back on. wow. that would've sucked huge - to go all night? brutal. i'm not sure what the problem was, but i contemplated heading to my mother's. i must've been a bit worried for that to happen! i actually haven't been able to get ahold of her all afternoon, and i'm not really sure what to do.
i was thinking i should take jack to the hospital, and i still might. he has no fever but is breathing fast, which would indicate an infection as opposed to a virus. if it starts coming out his butt, i'm outta here to get it tested. there was a time that we had jack in the hospital for an h.compilobacteria-somethin' infection in his tummy, and that sorta thing causes the ultimate loveliness of death, so i'm not taking any chances. the whole waiting room thing doesn't affect us yet, 'cause they take little kids in right away....especially if there are stomach contents involved.
i really wish tharen were here, instead of "worrying" his time away in the motel pub while watching the game! at least he'll get a good night's sleep tonight and can take over tomorrow! the job they're at is a union site, so they get kicked off the site by 3pm, which means he should be home around 7.....here's hopin'!
but at least i have good friends....yeah right! i got a call from one in particular, and i tell ya....if i could have reached through the phone to strangle her, i would've. my word, she irritates me! concurring with one of janis' recent blogs, weak women repulse me, and she be one of 'em. not janis, the other one....let's call her lucy. see, lucy's loose. she never used to be, but has since gone pathetic slutzo after splitting with her baby daddy of 13 years.
i've known her for almost 20 years. met in high school, and i was her 'cool' friend. well, that's what she says, but i think she was right. especially if compared to her. nasty, i know. sad, but true. she's (was) an awesome person, but i didn't really hang out with her all that much. i suppose our friendship budded in foods class after regina quit school. after all, i needed another smoking partner! lucy's the one who told everyone my metallica story, and still does! she's crazy.
wanna know what else makes her crazy? blowing off her nearest, dearest, oldest friends so she can beg attention from a fucking cokehead. that's right, cokehead. powder king, snort face, jack crack, rock jock - as in: cuckoo for the coca. we lost touch here and there, but always wound up talking again. the longest stretch of not being in touch over two years was because she had to follow her baby daddy on a run from some house owners who suddenly had their prized uh...tomatoes go missing. can you fucking believe it?
so anyway, the move north wreaks havoc on their relationship, and soon enough, all the stories come pouring out....he spends all their money on coke! they didn't even have a rent where they were living, but they regularly went without things while living in a house that wasn't suitable for the rats. she high tails it outta there on the presumption that she's coming to take care of her ailing grandparents, but who the fuck leaves their kids to care for family members that already have tons of family around? yeah, come visit....but she was here for 2 months!...and then came back again! see, while she was gone the first time, he had gotten comfy with some broad. and if you can believe it, she justified to me how this man stealing hussy could go in and sit with her kids...cuddling for movies, planning for birthdays....FUCKING HER MAN!?! i seriously started losing respect for her back then....she wasn't the kind of person i thought she was. i thought she had standards and morals. i thought that's why i liked her.
she decides she's leaving for good and moving back to this area, but can't go back to her previous town 'cause of the, you know, tom-rip. so she's out in a way further suburb and i haven't seen her except for when i go out there. one of the few times she did come here, she brought one of her coke heads with her and he fucking left some in the tent of ours they slept in! FUCK ME! that shit does NOT happen here. marijuana? yes. synthetic powdered pathetic? no. so, i would've reclaimed my adoration for her had she been a true strong woman and told him to eat it...but no. she kept doing him. i found out that all the time i never saw her 'cause of this guy she was just 15 minutes away trying to be cute enough to entice him out of his four walls to no avail. apparently this dude never wanted to do anything. he would do blow while sitting home alone with her, and she insists she doesn't do it. i'm not sure if i believe her. she'll do anything to be liked, apparently. she even asked me about ass sex cuz she thought it would keep dude happy enough to not do rails. fucking moron. you're only supposed to do that if he's EARNED the treat!
seriously, though. she's now (AND STILL!) trying to fuck some dude who she tried for months to be in a relationship with. granted, they did have a casual screwing affair, but she lives her life around it. she is not aware of the actual ground rules of a 'no strings' 'casual other', so she unknowingly broke every single one of them. THIS guy got caught red dicked screwing some other chick. lucy throws a fit, but is STILL trying to get this guy. and the ultra pathetic thing? he won't cheat on the twat he's with now, which is the one he 'cheated' with. she's insisting that it can be secret. and he won't do it. huh. i don't wanna be mean, here, but clue the fuck in!
i've been avoiding talking to her for a few weeks now. she's been calling me to make herself feel better about a situation that's going on in my life right now.maybe i'll write about that tomorrow. but anyway, while i'm on the phone with her, she's passive-aggrasively trying to make ME feel bad that i haven't responded to her. FUCK ME! she said in a message a couple weeks ago: "dude, i'm so sorry.....i had no idea.....whatever you need, i'm there for ya...." my non-verbal response to her was: "dude, you had no idea 'cause YOU'RE NEVER AROUND!" anyways, she still tried her shit even after i told her about the day i'm having! fucking retard. so i got off the phone fairly fast. it was the one time today that i was glad to hear damon yelling out for help. after hearing that she's still trying with that guy pretty much turned me off. at first i thought i might like to talk to her finally, but no. after the pathetic info and the guilt trip, i would've MUCH rather cleaned another puke bowl.
jack's finally sleeping now....it's after 11pm. he layed on the living room floor literally ALL day. and the puking! at least a dozen times. my poor, sweet guy. every time i lay with him, i imagine pulling all the germies into my body. i can deal. i'm a machine.
o - and tharen and i had an argument 'cause he's a drunk fuck. i'll tell you about that later, or else it would be it would be a giant blob of black tar hate right now. trust me.
Monday, February 2, 2009
how was my weekend?
so here's the deal....i don't know exactly what i'm writing today. many ideas, but no set theme. a breakdown of my weekend, if you will - but it wasn't really an exciting one. you'll have to wait for next weekend for that!
so friday....what happened friday? tharen was at a practice with tossing logic, so......laundry. loads and loads and loads of laundry. fun stuff. i stayed in and was supposedly supposed to get stuff done, but i sat in front of my computer for three hours and didn't accomplish much. OH! except that i shopped this blog around a little and got an excellent review from kim. (thanx!) so that's a plus - i didn't think this would be very interesting to someone who doesn't know me.
saturday daytime sucked it, mostly cuz i got rooked out of my babysitters. i had been putting off stuff to do, and tharen worked, so i didn't get much of anything done AGAIN. but then it was ok, cuz i got to go on a date with all my guys again. we went for wicked burgers and then swimming at the pool, which is always fun. jack's getting closer to actually swimming now, so that makes me feel great. swimming is probably one of the most important things i think you can teach your kid, obviously. sometimes i meet adults who don't know how to swim and i'm like: wtf? how does that happen? who raised you? weird.
sunday was cool. we were gonna hit the chinese new year parade, but the weather wasn't cooperating, so i got to sleep in! we had a birthday party for waylon's girl's daughter to go to, and that was ok. i suppose the babies were cute, heh heh....no other ones there besides ours and martin's. also odd, but considering the age of waylon's girlfriend, probably not many of her friends have kids yet. i'm kinda glad i got to see her outside of the bar scene. i'm having a really hard time deciding how i feel about her. ....but that's ok - it seems as if she likes herself enough for all of us!
anyway, then we went to a friend's house for a super bowl party....that we almost jammed out of...and won $250!! so THAT was the super coolest part of my weekend! the hosts, our friend's neighbour, have the same last name as my maiden name, AND their house is for sale! it's a very interesting home with tons of the amenities we're looking for.
does anyone have 100K i could have?
so friday....what happened friday? tharen was at a practice with tossing logic, so......laundry. loads and loads and loads of laundry. fun stuff. i stayed in and was supposedly supposed to get stuff done, but i sat in front of my computer for three hours and didn't accomplish much. OH! except that i shopped this blog around a little and got an excellent review from kim. (thanx!) so that's a plus - i didn't think this would be very interesting to someone who doesn't know me.
saturday daytime sucked it, mostly cuz i got rooked out of my babysitters. i had been putting off stuff to do, and tharen worked, so i didn't get much of anything done AGAIN. but then it was ok, cuz i got to go on a date with all my guys again. we went for wicked burgers and then swimming at the pool, which is always fun. jack's getting closer to actually swimming now, so that makes me feel great. swimming is probably one of the most important things i think you can teach your kid, obviously. sometimes i meet adults who don't know how to swim and i'm like: wtf? how does that happen? who raised you? weird.
sunday was cool. we were gonna hit the chinese new year parade, but the weather wasn't cooperating, so i got to sleep in! we had a birthday party for waylon's girl's daughter to go to, and that was ok. i suppose the babies were cute, heh heh....no other ones there besides ours and martin's. also odd, but considering the age of waylon's girlfriend, probably not many of her friends have kids yet. i'm kinda glad i got to see her outside of the bar scene. i'm having a really hard time deciding how i feel about her. ....but that's ok - it seems as if she likes herself enough for all of us!
anyway, then we went to a friend's house for a super bowl party....that we almost jammed out of...and won $250!! so THAT was the super coolest part of my weekend! the hosts, our friend's neighbour, have the same last name as my maiden name, AND their house is for sale! it's a very interesting home with tons of the amenities we're looking for.
does anyone have 100K i could have?
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